The obsession with virginity

Virginity has become a bit of a hot topic this week after 29-year-old American Olympic hurdler, Lolo Jones revealed to HBO's Real Sports that she doesn't want to have sex until marriage. The interview - in which she called her extended abstinence "harder than training for the Olympics" - has further fueled Jones' social media stardom. Her Twitter (@lolojones) following has jumped by 40 per cent since May 20.

The question is why is virginity suddenly so popular? Should this kind of information be private or do we like to know the sexual history of not only celebrities and athletes, but also our friends? Do we admire people like Lolo coming forward and being so frank and honest about sex?

Society has an obsession with youth and beauty but we also have an obsession with virginity. Well this is what I witnessed when I read an article in the Sydney Morning Herald last week focusing on virginity's unwitting casualties.

Luke Malone interviewed Sydney-based sex therapist Matty Silver who says:

"While saving oneself for marriage is a personal choice, she warns of an unexpected condition that can affect some women who are waiting for Mr Right - vaginismus"

Now I'm not a sex therapist, even if I like to sometimes pretend I am but even I think that's a pretty big call. I read that comment as single ladies beware if you wait too long to have sex with a man or go past the 3 date bonking rule, your vagina will become out of order. You've been warned.

Not only will you not be able to have sex but you will develop psychological issues when it comes to talking about or having sex.

Vaginismus is of course not something to laugh about. It is thought to affect at least two per cent of Australian women. It is described as an involuntary contraction of the muscles surrounding the entrance to the vagina, it can make penetration either painful or impossible and cause much distress to the individual.

What I'm most concerned about is the tone of the article. It's basically warning women who are waiting till their wedding night to have sex that they should be bonking everything in sight, otherwise they'll not be able to have sex with their husbands.

What a load of shit. Sorry.

I was raised Catholic and went to church every Sunday until I was at least sixteen. Of course the Bible says that I should wait until marriage to lose my virginity but I chose not to. And I don't regret this. But women who decide to wait until marriage should not be ridiculed or live in fear of developing vaginismus.

The article goes on to say:

"While a religious upbringing is a common thread found in many cases, it's not the only link. Women subjected to sexual abuse can develop similar problems, as can individuals who have developed a fear of childbirth"

Towards the end of the article it is less controversial and explores the real issues related to the condition.   Dr Jules Black, an internationally noted obstetrician and gynaecologist who specialises in sexual health says "there's no problem with virginity in and of itself, as long as the individual is comfortable with her body. He suggests that women who have decided to wait until marriage try not to put so much pressure on themselves"

Okay. Thanks Doc. What about male virgins? Why are we always talking about a woman's virginity and waiting until marriage?

Personally, I think articles like this which focus on a woman's choice to have sex, not have sex or to wait to lose their virginity let us down. It's a deeply personal decision and no woman should be made to feel as though waiting for the elusive "Mr Right" is going to lead her to have sexual health problems when in fact the opposite is true. STIs and STDs are on the rise and this is what we should be educating our society about.

What do you think is societies obsession with virginity? Do you think Lolo Jones was brave to come forward as a proud 29-year-old virgin or should people keep some things private?


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How to date online like a pro

Now that I've fooled you into reading this post by my lack of online dating skills I'm feeling quite smug. In the last couple of weeks I've decided to venture out of my comfort zone a little and join a dating website. Have a good old laugh if you like but I'm not embarrassed at all. Truly I'm not. This is probably because I'm hardly the first person to join RSVP, eHarmony or Grindr and I certainly won't be the last.

Most of my life - this blog, my weekly contributions on Kiki & Tea and my pointless rambling on Twitter are all online so it made sense to me that I would dip my toe into the world of online dating. I'm a bit wary. I've been on RSVP once before and I had a negative experience which made me hide my profile all before I even met up with a human being face to face. Let's call this guy Tom*

Tom looked pretty cute from his profile pic. He was in his mid-20s, well travelled and had been "active" in the last few days. By active I don't mean he was a fitness freak but he was regularly viewing his profile which proved to me his was keen to meet someone. So I decided to make contact. Some girls wait for guys to contact them and that's all well and good but I'm not that kind of girl.

I had quite a few guys "kiss" me in the first few days telling me they were interested in getting to know me, but I just wasn't that attracted or they didn't even have a profile pic (big no no) I'm sorry but if you don't have a picture I will just assume you're ugly. I don't want to meet up with someone if I don't know what they look like. Dating online is blind enough as it is.

So back to me and Tom. I spent a measly $9.99 to get in contact with him. I didn't do this for any other guy I usually let them pay but I really liked this guy and thought we would hit it off. We started chatting and seemed to get along well so the natural progression was to add him on Facebook.

The next morning I had 1 new friendship request and I was surprised and delighted to see it was Tom. I stalked his profile a bit during the day and then we chatted later that evening. I have since learnt an important online dating lesson - DO NOT add just anybody on Facebook. Bad, bad move.

That evening was the State of Origin decider. Queensland had won a game and New South Wales had one the other so I was more than a bit excited about the match that night. I'm a footy nut I would happily sit on the couch all weekend and watch sport if I could. I'm not you're regular girl. I choose sport over shopping. I plan to put this in my profile!

Anyway, I was carried away that evening with the greatest game in Australia (Rugby league) and my 3 piece feed from KFC. I was not interested in hearing from Tom. I was not interested in my family talking to me about anything other than footy. I wanted my junk food and I wanted to see some big hits. I'm a simple girl really.

But Tom wanted to chat. Tom wanted to chat at kick off. Tom wanted to chat as the tries were being scored and Tom wanted to chat all through the effin' game! I shook my head and thought ok, enough is enough, I don't think we are that compatible after all. After not getting a response from me he decided to take his beef to Facebook. Oh yes, he did. This is why I don't add just any moron on Facebook - especially guys or girls I'm seeing or am interested in.

Good old Tom from unspecified dating website posted on my wall for the world to see. He was hurt that we hadn't spoken in oh, I don't know, 12 hours! And he let all my 134 friends know that I'd hunted him down on said dating website and I was just a user and an abuser. Laugh. It got a few "likes" and a few bemused comments from old high school friends. At first I was mortified 'who the hell does this guy think he is?'

Block. Delete. Dignity still somewhat preserved.

I never did meet up with Tom. Bullet. Dodged.

So now after a year I'm ready to brave the world of online dating again. Let's just hope I can pick them better this time.

Do you have any experience with online dating? Give me some tips please! Or if you're happily married please let me in on your secret.


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My Driving Phobia (or the day I cried like a girl)

This is me. When I'm 80.

A few nights ago I was curled up with a copy of Kerri Sackville's new book The Little Book of Anxiety as my kitten, Lola, started biting the corner of the pages. I tweeted this and wondered should I be worried? That's when I realised that I too live with my own little anxieties about stuff that perhaps normal people wouldn't worry about. 

I live in my head a lot. I talk to myself (sometimes out loud) and weigh up situations that most of us wouldn't bother even thinking about. My friends call this place Roseland. I sure have racked up a few thousand frequent flyer points to this unknown land. It's usually when people are talking to me and they get to the crux of their story and somehow, magically, I just tune out. I don't mean to be rude it just happens and then when the conversation it brought up a week later I say, "I don't remember you telling me this" and they roll their eyes. Whoops.

Focusing on one thing is a challenge for me. I'm always busy thinking about the next thing I need to do or what time I need to leave the house to make it somewhere on time. I procrastinate badly. Just to write this post I had to clean my bedroom, put on a load of washing, wash the dishes, vacuum, have lunch, book my manicure appointment before I even thought about writing. 

I get anxious and feel just as lonely as the next person. While my anxieties don't control my life like some more serious cases, it doesn't mean I don't feel them. I used to be very anxious about driving. I hated the idea of getting behind the wheel and taking control of a huge piece of machinery that could in fact kill me. Ridiculous? I never feel this way on a plane or when someone else is driving. 

Nearly a month ago I got my first car. I'd love to tell you that the phobia has gone (well it has to an extent) but I still get a little shaky and my palms sweat. I used to have a recurring dream about being in the back seat of the car and I couldn't reach the brakes. Or I'd go to hit the brakes and they'd just disappear. I try not to fantasise about this while I'm actually on the road as I'd possibly go mad. 

I had a bit of an episode a few weeks ago as I was driving to a new area. I wasn't familiar and I was completely out of my comfort zone. The sun went down and suddenly everything was dark. Did I mention my eyesight is shit? It was still peak hour as I was trying to navigate the streets around the upper North Shore of Sydney with pedestrians running madly across the main roads. I was petrified at the time. I can laugh now but the fear is very real. I hate being out of control. I hate the feeling of being lost. I hate being late. As I sat in my navy blue Astra I felt all these feelings come bubbling to the surface. 

So I did whatever any normal 26yo girl would do.

I cried like a little girl. More like wailed actually. I'd been driving for nearly 2 hours and I just couldn't find where I was supposed to be going. As my navman repeated at me "make a u-turn when possible" I threw the useless thing in the backseat and rested my head on the steering wheel. I forgot that my window was down and wondered why everyone coming out of the station was looking at me. 

'Did her boyfriend break up with her? Did she lose her job?' they wondered. No. I just have a shocking sense of direction. 

After having my little moment I decided I wasn't going to admit defeat. I would find my way there whether it killed me. And I thought chances are I'd cry again trying to get home as it was further away than my destination. So I put the car into drive and took off using my iPhone GPS as my navigator (much easier) and I found myself in familiar surroundings within a few short minutes.

When I finally got to dinner with my family I told them I'd cried. It made me feel better and I had a good laugh about it. At that moment, Dad leaned over and said he'd been crying for an hour down in his car feeling redundant that his newly-driving daughter didn't need him anymore. When I was late he assumed the worst. That I'd died. I'd died in my first car and he'd never see me again. Perhaps this is where my anxiety comes from? 

I questioned him why he didn't call my mobile. He said he was too sad and was playing sad songs over and over again in his car grieving for his only daughter. Right. 

I have driven this route since my very public breakdown in the small streets of Wollstonecraft. I know it like the back of my hand. 

If they move, I'm screwed.

What do you feel anxious about? Do you feel you have some control over it or does it weigh you down? 

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50 Shades of Lust?

Well, I've just finished reading the most talked about book right now 50 Shades of Grey and I'm not sure whether I'm a lover or a hater. In theory I love the idea of erotic fiction, I mean I'm a regular reader of Lush Stories but that's a whole other post. I guess I read it to see what all the fuss was about. Or not about to be perfectly honest. I struggled to read the book cover to cover for a few reasons. Let me enlighten you.

1. I found Ana's innocence a little raw

Being a late bloomer myself I found many similarities between myself and the central character, Anastasia Steele. Perhaps one of the reasons I found her so annoying is because she was so much like me say two to three years ago. She's a bit mystified by love, sex and what it all means. She's overwhelmed. And so was I. She explores her feelings of love and lust and confuses the two. Yet I have to say the obsessive love she feels for Christian Grey is believable.

2. The traditional male and female roles bugged me

Christian Grey is the leader and Anastasia Steele is the follower. They are in a BDSM relationship (Christian is the Dominant and Anastasia is the Submissive) but I felt these roles, in and out of the bedroom, reflect the deep misogyny that is still embedded in society. Grey is a self-confessed control freak and a wealthy one at that. He is a successful entrepreneur and Anastasia is a literature student.

Would the book have been as successful if Anastasia were a successful businesswoman and Christian a bricklayer? Perhaps.

I guess the real question is do women just want to be rescued? Still. In 2012? I won't say I wasn't swept up in the plot, apart from the author's repetitive use of "inner goddess" and "oh my" and "he touched my sex." He touched your vagina girl. Deal with it.

3. I'm a cynical 26-year-old 

Yes. Yes I am. I've been in love once and it was as intense and confusing as Christian and Anastasia. it was obsessive in many ways and I cut off from a few friends during the relationship. That was my own fault. But I have to say that I don't believe that obsessive love or all consuming love really lasts. I think it washes over you. You fall deeply in love so quickly but then it just kind of fizzles out.

I'm not saying that the love I felt wasn't real, I know it was, but I just don't think one person can be your one and only. There are different types of love in this world and right now the love I feel from my platonic relationships is the real love I think I've always been searching for.

4. Thank god Ana doesn't give up her job

As a feminist I would've promptly burnt my copy of 50 Shades of Grey had Ana quit her job and lived happily ever after being Grey's sex slave. Okay that was a tad melodramatic. I probably would've just hurled the book across the room.

I think it's so important for women to follow their passion and not to be become "the wife" I have a real problem with gender roles, don't I? Perhaps because I don't fall in love with the gender, I fall in love with the person - this is probably why it bugs me so much. Sometimes it can be tiring for me when I think about it.

So with all that in mind I don't think a work of fiction, like this, has ever left me feeling so conflicted. I think I love what 50 Shades could've been and I will search for something else similar to read. Our very own Whippersnapper tweeted me saying she thinks I will most definitely read the second novel, 50 Shades Darker and you know what she's probably right. Damn it.

Have you read 50 Shades of Grey? Why do you think it's hit such a nerve with women?


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I'm not a phone talker. Here's why.

Yes, I'm one of those people that don't answer their phone. Well at least 90% of the time anyway. I can't be counted on in an emergency. Just so you know. I'm terrible. It's like I just freeze up as soon as my phone rings. 'How dare they call me! Don't they know it's polite to text first?' This probably sounds utterly ridiculous but hey, it's just the way I am.

I wasn't always programmed this way. I could chew the ear off anyone who would listen to me. When my mum cut the home phone off after I ran up a $300+ bill to mobiles, I was often spotted down at the Telstra  pay phone calling my friends. It didn't matter that the corner store guy heard my whole conversation, I was a teenager and damn it I had a lot of important issues I needed to discuss with my girlfriends over the PHONE.

I'm a big talker. I love to talk; I love an audience who will listen to me. What I don't like is the phone. It just feels so impersonal. So forced. Maybe it's the Italian in me but I need to use my hands and I need you to see my facial expressions to really get my point across. Do you get me?

One of my biggest downfalls is talking to new people on the phone. I'm nervous. I see my phone flashing and I chuck it under a cushion. Show up at my front door, fine - call me and you'll probably never get a reply or it'll be hours later. Sometimes I can be good but mostly I'm just fucking hopeless. I have been told "what is the point of owning a phone if you never answer it!" Point taken. I'd happily disable the phone option on my iPhone and keep all the gadgets I like - texting, Facebook, Twitter, Draw Something, Footy tips I could go on and on.

Are you still reading? Was that your phone? No problem I'll just wait while you take the call.

You're back! Super.

I do believe that since the Internet swallowed up my social life I have become almost afraid to talk on the phone. Text? Yes. Email? Sure thing. Call me to check where I am when we're meeting up? No problem. But a whole drawn out conversation is just too much.

Give me a coffee JD & coke and sit down in front of my FACE and let's have a real conversation. That's what I like. That's how I connect. I enjoy seeing the lines on your face as you tell me a story. I like eye contact. I like to be able to reach out and touch you if you tell me something great or not so great has happened. I'm an affectionate person; always have been.

I know this whole point is moot since I love the online world where I can connect with my friends in a heartbeat. But I do enjoy a catch up where there's no boiling hot phone against my ear, ruining my curls I perfected with Moroccan Oil cream this morning. I love you but not as much as I love my tamed hair.

Are you a phone talker or a texter? Do you prefer to catch up face to face?


* I do realise it's not possible to catch up with everyone face to face. My best friend lives in Queensland. I get it. I just miss being able to kiss her on each cheek, hug each other and let her see my facial expressions. I think it's time I got on Skype.

bits & pieces - life stuff

This post is well overdue mainly because I've been a busy bee as of late. Easter has been and gone and before you know it it'll be time for me to hop on a plane to watch my beautiful cousin, Lisa, who is like a sister to me, get married. It has allowed for me to reflect on my life and realise that I won't always live on my own and these quiet days are numbered so lately I've been living it up!

My angel

She's not always this peaceful!

Well as most of my close family and friends know by now I have adopted a kitten from Pet Rescue. She is just adorable and gives me lots of kisses and cuddles. I've named her Lola. She has given me a new lease on life and I'm able to live in the moment much more now. I'm usually fairly all over the place so it's nice to walk in the door and my little girl is there waiting for me. What I wasn't so thrilled about this morning was waking up to little miss who decided to have an accident on my sheets! Practice for having kids hey?

Book Proposal


This is possibly the biggest task of my life. Yes you could say that. I can't give too much away but I'm working on a non-fiction book proposal at the moment. It's very hard to sell yourself as a writer but I figure if I just keep at it, as I know this is what I'm supposed to do with my life, then it'll fall into place eventually. If you want something bad enough - stick with it - it can be so rewarding. You just have to work through the hundreds (thousands?) of rejections and know that success will be that much sweeter.

Fifty Shades of Grey

I'm obsessed OBSESSED with this book at the moment. It's romantic, trashy and addictive. Kind of like my addiction to The Bachelor. Don't judge me! I feel you judging.

Here's the lowdown on the New York Times Bestseller . . .

"When literature student Anastasia Steele interviews successful entrepreneur Christian Grey, she finds him very attractive and deeply intimidating. Convinced that their meeting went badly, she tries to put him out of her mind - until he turns up at the store where she works part-time, and invites her out.

Unworldly and innocent, Ana is shocked to find she wants this man. And, when he warns her to keep her distance, it only makes her want him more.

But Grey is tormented by inner demons, and consumed by the need to control. As they embark on a passionate love affair, Ana discovers more about her own desires, as well as the dark secrets Grey keeps hidden away from public view..."

It is AMAZING. Trashy literature at its very best.

How's life treating you? What have you been reading or writing about lately?

Porn for women. Feminist-style

Feminism and porn. Unlikely bedfellows? Maybe not, says Louise Lush who has been blogging about porn and running adult websites since 2000. She’s also been busy making erotic films for straight women since 2008. One has to question how porn, well mainstream male-dominated porn, could have anything to do with empowering women? A hell of a lot it seems.

It’s no secret that women watch porn. And no, not just with their boyfriends. Women are growing tired of the same testosterone driven fantasies. We have our own sexuality too and it would be nice to be able to find without having to troll through video after video of poor quality and let’s face it, poor taste. The vast majority of explicit films are made for a male audience; at best it is degrading, and at worst it is physically harmful to the women featured in it.

The porn culture, especially since the rise of internet, has changed our attitudes towards sex. Gone are the days of sneaking through copies of Penthouse or Playboy, now all you need to do is Google your fantasy and you’ll have over a million results. Many of those including videos of it acted out. Depending on what it is and how comfortable you feel in your relationship you might try to play out the fantasy in the bedroom. Or you may dabble in it on your own to find what makes you tick. I’m not ashamed to admit I do this. Often. I’ve always believed it’s healthy to explore your sexuality, whether that be with a partner or solo. What I’m not comfortable with is the increasing level of violence in mainstream porno flicks, or what most refer to as gonzo. Censoring porn, though, is not going to fix this problem but educating young people will.

Feminist porn filmmakers are a breath of fresh air as the industry itself starts to resemble cheap beer and stale cigarettes. Male porn is predictable. It may push the envelope from time to time but it’s fairly standard. Most men don’t need foreplay to get aroused. Most women do. Men know this but some pretend not to care. This is generally the role the male plays in traditional porn. With an exception or two, which I’m sure most ladies who enjoy porn from time to time have safely bookmarked.

Male porn is made for a male audience to enjoy and pleasure themselves. It is not specifically made for women. Which is why it is refreshing to see women-only porn making progress in an industry saturated with a male-orientated view of what constitutes good sex.

Indigo Lush describes it best “some people assume since [it's porn for women it'll] have a soft focus or romantic erotica, designed not to offend”. If you Google ‘porn for women’, images of men doing housework is the result. Funny, yes. And truthful for some but mostly it just saddens me.

I realise that the overwhelming majority of porn viewing is by men, but I believe this is because most women are watching male-orientated content because that’s what’s available to them. If male content wasn’t so mainstream perhaps more women would watch or incorporate it into their sex lives. It’s also about “the female gaze – explicitly assuming the viewer is female rather than male” says Lush. 90% of the content available on the net assumes the viewer is male. This is just part of the problem.

Women are tired of seeing other women objectified. It is important for women to explore their sexuality too but why should we settle for a male targeted porno flick to get us off? Surely there must be something better – tasteful, even, that explores fantasies with the right amount of respect given to all those involved in the film. The focus isn’t just on how large the man’s penis is or how many holes a woman can be “stuffed” with, it explores how both sexes get turned on. I don’t know about you but there’s nothing worse than watching a porno flick and the woman has a blank expression on her face; or she’s in pain – that’s not sexy. And it has no place in the future of the .xxx domain.

From a feminist perspective some may say there’s no place for porn. There are a lot of academics (Gail Dines, Melinda Tankard-Reist) who argue porn is detrimental to our health. And while I agree this can be the case, I believe it’s more about what is available to us mainstream, not exactly the idea of pornography. The industry itself does not need to be banned or filtered, the content needs to be challenged.

I argue there is a place for porn in our society and it will never go away, just like the war on drugs. Feminist porn and porn for women is a step in the right direction. Feminism for me is about equality, regarding men as our allies; not our enemy. It is empowering for women to explore their sexuality without any stimulation from their husband, boyfriend or lover. This is no shock; women’s magazines have created an empire in Australia since the 1970s and been responsible for women no longer feeling guilty or shameful if they pleasure themselves.

Reconstructing the landscape of porn is a challenge. People hold very strong views on porn “hijacking sexuality and destroying men” as Gail Dines, a professor of sociology and women’s studies at Wheelock College in Boston wrote in Pornland: How Porn Has Hijacked Our Sexuality.

Porn for women is a niche that Indigo Lush and many other filmmakers are trying to create for women to show they are heard. Feminism has come a long way from our right to vote, own a property or be our own boss. But we still have a lot of work to do.

Would you watch feminist porn? How do you feel about porn and your sexuality?


This post originally appeared on Kiki and Tea, where I am now an in-house writer. This image was found here.

No size 14? Why I'm calling bullshit on Kookai.

My style icon, Christina Hendricks (Joan, Mad Men)

So late last Thursday night I took myself clothes shopping. Like 90% of the female population I'm sure. I was searching for a leather jacket. Nothing too fancy just something that fits, and is stylish - you know that effortless look we all strive for but only sometimes obtain. I went into a few stores I love Sportsgirl, Review and so on till I made my way into Kookai. This is where my shopping experience went downhill and fast.

I love Kookai, always have. I have many of their fruity coloured tops which I wear to work as I love a burst of colour. This isn't a rant as such but more an open letter to Kookai to express my disappointment. As I looked through the racks of beautiful, yet exxy items I realised something. Size 12, or as they have them in European sizes were not on the rack. Kookai has always looked sparse and fairly inviting and organised I must say but it all hit home why. They stock their size 12 tops, dresses, jackets - everything - out the back of the store. So you actually have to ask for one of the sales ladies to seek it out for you.

Not only that but they don't stock a size 14. I hover between a size 12/14 in most shops and not only am I disappointed that we don't have standard sizing in Australia but well known stores like Kookai actually refuse to cater for what is the average size for women. And it's almost like they're embarrassed they stock size twelve, TWELVE! which in my mind is a healthy size, that they hide their stock out the back. Now they could come back and say the store looks more elegant being sparse but I'm calling bullshit. It makes the average size woman, who is size 16 I must add, feel like there's no place for her at their store. Is it because they think average size or bigger girls aren't fashionable? Or that their is a 'thin is beautiful' mentality that leaks down throughout the company? Why the hell isn't their a size 14? Sportsgirl and Forever New, two of my favourite women's stores stock 14 or even 16 in some cases. And this is the way it should be.

Perhaps if these fashion chains started to get real and include the average size girl in their measurements and for their frocks they would be making a profit. I'm tired of hearing on the news how the retail industry is struggling, I just don't care anymore - they have it in their power to change. It's not rocket science that you have to move with the times. This reminds me of an article Michael Pascoe wrote in Business Day last month on Kmart CEO, Guy Russo.

"While some retailers whinge about business being tough, some change their business and boost profits. There's no better example than the remarkable job a former hamburger flipper (Russo is the former CEO of McDonalds in Australia, then China) has done in saving a major Australian retail chain from liquidation"

I think there is a lesson for fashion retailers to learn from the resurrection of the Kmart brand. You need to stop blaming the economy, the shoppers and so on and work from the inside, out. If you have the right business model and aim at including what is the standard Australian dress size then you might make more than just a profit, you'll create a whole new way of doing business.

How do you feel about the lack of a standard sizing chart for all Australian stores? 


Have you experienced size discrimination on the racks in any well known stores?


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"Don't hate me because I'm beautiful"

Well, if you haven't heard of Samantha Brick by now it must be damn comfortable underneath that rock. The Daily Mail columnist, whose post 'Don't hate me because I'm beautiful' has gone viral in the last 48 hours, maintains that the backlash she's receiving only proves her point, that women do not like attractive women. She may have a point there but don't we all get jealous from time to time - both men and women - and wish that we had our friends sense of style, humour, confidence or even physical attributes like bigger boobs, flatter abs or slimmer thighs.

What is most disconcerting about Brick's article is that she believes that women hate her for no other reason other than her lovely looks. Really? Maybe they don't like her personality, I mean she did dedicate a whole column to admitting how narcissist she is. I have to admit I'm not the biggest fan of anyone who feels the need to speak over the top of others or babble on about their own lives and their own self importance. These people, usually without even realising it, know shit all about what's going on in their friends lives. And that's actually quite sad. Friendship is a two way street. You talk, I talk and we give each other advice about the meaningless to the more serious aspects of daily life.

I'm not pretending I know Samantha Brick but I am making assumptions of her based on her article just like most of the world is this weekend. I'm not here to ridicule her and say she's ugly and deluded but I do wonder if she really does believe she's beautiful, why does she need the approval from us? This reminds me of Angelina Jolie at the Oscars who felt the need to show a bit more leg than was necessary to remind us that she's still got 'it'. To be honest this made me breathe a sigh of relief that Angelina, arguably one of the most beautiful women in the world, feels self conscious about her looks just like the rest of us. Well, perhaps not Ms. Brick.

Even the Dalai Lama has weighed into the debate. On Twitter no less. As he so eloquently puts it:

"An inflated sense of self-importance deflects us from the inner peace and happiness we seek and affects those around us negatively" 

Yes Samantha Brick. The Dalai Lama has spoken. Bam! His words ring true in more ways than one. It is simply not healthy for our own peace and the peace of others to focus so much energy inwards. I don't think Samantha's article is doing her or women's body image any favours. Women (and men) will put her down and maintain she's "deluded" and "not that attractive anyway" and that "she needs to get a reality check." None of these comments are healthy for a women's wellbeing and only perpetuate the negativity and let's be honest, cement Samantha Brick's argument to begin with.

I have previously written about how women need to have more confidence in their appearance and even put out a call for women to think of something today that would make them believe they can be sexy. The reason I feel that Samantha's article has let women down is that she's not authentic - she makes the reader perceive this is how she feels every single day. And I don't care how beautiful she thinks she is there are some days when you wake up feeling like a fat pig. That's life. It just isn't logical that she wouldn't have the same insecurities as the rest of us but she doesn't let on and that is a great shame.

The only hint of insecurity I get from her is her awareness that not one girlfriend has ever asked her to be a bridesmaid. I find it hard to believe that this is because of her looks. Come on now. Perhaps her girlfriends aren't that close? Or they have other girlfriends who they consider closer and maybe because they don't walk around with an air of increased self-importance.

The saddest thing of all is that Samantha Brick is placing all of the blame on everyone around her for her shortcomings. As she says "jealous wives have frozen me out of their lives; insecure female bosses have also barred her promotions at work." Is it really because of her looks? I don't think so. To always look out of yourself and blame others is quite immature really. I don't think I'd bar a super attractive girlfriend from my life because I felt threatened or insecure because of her, I'd bar her because her personality and 'always the victim' mentality would piss me right off.

While I believe it's important to take pride in one's appearance and to be confident (even if you don't feel it necessarily) I think Samantha Brick is not doing women any favours by coming out saying other women hate beautiful women.

The fact she has written articles titled "I use my sex appeal to get ahead at work... and so does ANY woman with any sense" and "Why my husband says he'll divorce me if I get fat" paints quite a picture of the journalist's need for a sensationalist headline to say the least.

The UK band 'One Direction' say it better than anyone else "You don't know you're beautiful, that's what makes you beautiful."

What do you think of Samantha Brick's comments? Is it still taboo to feel attractive, much less admit you think you are good looking?

This image was found at Daily Mail.

This video was sourced on YouTube.

Feminism is not a dirty word

Sometimes when I hear the word feminist I think of all the bad connotations associated with it. Such as the burning of the bra or Germaine Greer's The Female Eunuch where she suggests that the reader take a moment to taste their own menstrual blood. 'If you haven't tasted it yet, you've got a long way to go, baby,' she says. How about no? I'll pass. Out. To be perfectly honest I've become disillusioned Germaine especially after her antics on ABC's Q&A program a few weeks ago. I feel she's controversial just for the sake of a headline and it made me question what it means to be a woman in 2012. Feminism isn't for me. Or so I thought.

Caitlin Moran has restored my faith in what it means to be a woman. I stopped believing it was important for women to stick up for their rights. I felt out of touch with what it meant to be a feminist. Feminism to me always seemed so serious or more suited to grownups and surely that wasn't me. I follow proud feminist blogs and writers who are in the public eye such as Rachel Hills and Clementine Ford to name a few but no one has ever asked me personally "Rose, I am a feminist. Are you?" It just never seemed that important. 

Being born in 1985 I never really understood why unmarried women were never given access to the Pill. All of these luxuries that I benefit from as a modern woman I haven't had to fight for. That's probably why I don't get feminism. Or more so I don't understand how to apply it to my own life as a 20-something single woman. I'm not an angry woman. People have it in their heads that all feminists are angry. I'm not angry I just want equality. Is that so bad?

Those who know me well know I'm not comfortable with the idea of gender roles. The traditional "husband" and "wife" roles just don't sit well with me. Hear me out. In this day and age women shouldn't be expected to stay at home and raise the babies while the husband goes out the door everyday as the breadwinner. Yet in many marriages and relationships men are still seen as 'the boss' or the decision-makers especially when it comes to matters with money.

And it's no secret that men still outnumber women in the boardrooms, is this because sexism is still rife in corporate environments or because women are still off having 'the babies'? To be perfectly honest I can't think of anything worse than being somebody's 'Missus'. I don't even think I believe marriage is for me. Oh dear, I can already see my future partner running for the hills. I'm a catch! I swear!

2DayFM morning co-host, JackieO gave an interview to Sunday Life (Sun Herald) last weekend on Kyle, her critics, and why she's not a feminist. Say what? I'm sorry what part of the women's liberation isn't for you? She explains:

"I know. I do feel like I have achieved so much, in radio especially. But I've never considered myself a feminist. I'm just, you know, I'm doing what I love. I'm really proud of how far I've come. But... you know." 

No Jackie O, I don't know because you're not explaining yourself. You've basically influenced thousands (possibly millions) of women to feel guilty for being a feminist.

Jackie O sounds like me two years ago. I thought I couldn't enjoy sex and be a feminist. I thought I couldn't have more guy friends than girl friends and call myself a feminist. I thought I had to be a man-hater, basically. The label didn't apply to me, it felt old-fashioned and dreary. But what I needed to do was reevaluate what feminism meant for me and how it fit into my life as a modern woman.

I remember the first time I felt like a woman. It was Halloween 1997 and I got my first period. Too much? Well it hurt like a mofo. At that moment I thought "why am I a woman? Why does this hurt so much?" Then I thought I knew the secret when I lost my virginity and suddenly I found out what all the fuss was about. Or not about to be perfectly honest. Yet as I approach the later part of my twenties I'm finally understanding what it means to be a woman.

To be a woman we need to ask ourselves are the men doing it or more accurately why are the men not doing it? Why are women submitting themselves to Brazilians and Botox when countless men are not? What is our obsession with the youthful look of women yet a man gets a few grey hairs and suddenly he's a silver fox. 

Being a woman is so much more than boobs and beauty yet I refuse to get a Brazilian because I believe it isn't positive for women's body image. That's my call; it's my body. I believe that women shouldn't be measured by their maternal instincts and if a woman chooses to not have children this does not make her any less of a woman than it would a man. We need to stop judging women for not being traditional. Tell me when a man gets asked "so when are you going to have a baby?"

As Caitlin Moran so eloquently puts 'it's not as if strident feminists want to take over from men. We're not arguing for the whole world. Just our share. As far as I'm concerned, men can just carry on doing pretty much whatever they like. I don't want men to go away. I don't want men to stop what they're doing.'

What we want is the choice. There are times when I still walk around and feel like a piece of meat and I no longer want to feel this way. I'm not a sex object and I'm not "asking for it" I'm a human being with thoughts and feelings and sometimes I just want to be able to walk down the street and not be wolf whistled, or hit on or intimidated. 

What does feminism mean to you? Have you ever been disillusioned with it?

What Women Really Want In A Man

I have a confession to make. I’m in love. Yes it’s true. I’m in love with Don Draper and the rest of the Mad Men gang. I could happily spend the whole weekend on my couch with nothing but old fashioned’s, cigarettes (I socially smoke but I would smoke all day with him) and simply shut off from the rest of the world. I know I’m obsessed – each day I watch a new sneak peak video of Season 5 which aired on Sunday in the US and I share them all on Facebook and Twitter. How can people seriously live their lives not having watched this show? Are you mad?

What I love about it is that the show may be called “Mad Men” a term coined for advertising execs in the 1960s, but the women are just as mad as the men.

Since I’m counting down the hours till I can watch the first episode of Season 5 I’ve been madly (like what I did there?) searching the internet for interviews, spoilers, articles, ANYTHING related to the hit show.

Recently, Mad Men actress Christina Hendricks (Joan) did an interview with Esquire magazine which compiled a list of ‘Things Men Should Know About Women’. Here’s a few of Ms Hendricks’ tips. You’re welcome.

1. We love our man’s body when we love our man

Christina explains how powerfully enticing the scent of a man we love is to us. It’s intoxicating! The smell of a man as he’s all spruced up is one of the most divine smells on this planet. You know, just the right amount of aftershave. I may have been one of those girls who has taken note of a certain smell and then picked up the lynx can in Coles and sprayed some into the lid… If you’re reading, why hello yes it was you! One of the greatest things to me has always been the lingering smell of your man on a t-shirt you borrow to sleep in or your pillow the night after he stays over. Essence of a man; intoxicating. Women smell pretty damn fine too.

2. Women love it when a man acts like a gentleman

Isn’t this the truth! Chivalry will never go out of style. Men take note; tattoo it on your body I don’t care! I read an article a few months ago about how some women believe chivalry is sexist. NO, NO, NO! Who are these women? Opening our car door, heck any door is still a timeless, classy and appreciated quality in a man. It is sexy. Okay?

3. “We remember everything you say about our bodies”

Sadly this is true. When I was a teenager I had a boy say I had big thighs. Tell a woman something negative and we will become obsessed for all eternity with getting rid of it. Damn him anyway, wasn’t like he was perfect. A genuine compliment will take you a long way.

4. Pay attention to the little things

Ms Hendricks also admonishes men to pay attention to the little things we say, and that those experiences and gifts often mean the most. When she started dating her now husband she mentioned she had a fascination with the circus. Several months later he turned up with a black and white photography anthology of circus folk. Paying attention and being thoughtful and observant are always great qualities in a relationship.

PS. I like money. Lots of it.

I jest.

5. Expand your vocabulary

Writer Jill Brown explains another great tip for our male counterparts is the appeal of an expanded vocabulary. ‘Beautiful’ is great – but sometimes it gets worn out. Jill had a random stranger at the table, lean over to her date at dinner in Manhattan and quietly says ‘The smile that launched a thousand ships, huh?’

‘Stunning’ and just simply ‘God damn’ is pretty acceptable too fellas.

6. “We want you to order Scotch”

For you and for me too please! Scotch is sexy. If a man orders any dark spirit I think I fall instantly in lust. Hendricks says her reason is simple: “It’s the most impressive order… it’s a classic. It’s sexy”

Damn straight.  I don’t care if you don’t like scotch. For the love of Don Draper – pretend dammit. Capish?

7. “No man should be on Facebook”

This is probably the only piece of advice that I disagree with. How else are we supposed to stalk you, I mean, get to know you. More accurately I would suggest not posting every little thing on Facebook, or any social networking site for that matter. Keep the mystery alive but please post a sexy profile pic so we have something to ogle at daily.

I’m sure Christina would agree with me but I thought it was appropriate to throw a couple of tips in myself since I’m just batting away men with a stick at the moment!

8. We like to be chased but not too much

It’s important to have a life of your own. Let’s keep the mystery alive as long as possible, eh? But women like to think that you think about us from time to time. So engage in a bit of banter – I speak on behalf of all women that we love a bit of harmless flirtation.

Just don’t go overboard. I don’t want to feel like I’m in the sequel to Fatal Attraction.

9. Be ambitious

Seriously, there’s nothing sexier than a man with a plan. Love something – I don’t care what it is but whether you’re passionate about footy, your antique stamp collection or building a fortress with empty beer bottles it translates into how you approach your everyday life. You don’t have to be worldly but showing that you take an interest in something that is just for you, shows confidence and trust me nothing is sexier. Unless of course you’re carrying a bottle of Jack Daniels and Ferrero Rochers, all bets are off! You no longer exist.

What would you add to the list? What other important things should men know about women and vice versa?


This post originally appeared on Kiki and Tea where I am now an in-house writer.

bits & pieces - life stuff

March has rolled around and almost disappeared and one of these posts is definitely overdue! It’s almost Easter which is without fail one of my favourite times of the year as I can eat copious amounts of chocolate and not really give a flying French fry. As one of my favourite foods is seafood – prawns, fish, you name it – Good Friday is as good an excuse as any to indulge. Mum and I usually have garlic and chilli prawns in the oven which is just divine. I’m going to cook myself an amazing seafood feast that will probably last the whole Easter weekend. Just cause I can.

Kiki and Tea

So what’s Kiki and Tea all about you ask? Well, it’s a new website run by the lovely Miss T and John James who are regulars on Mamamia. I was invited to become an in-house writer which means writing two new pieces each week for the website. I am thrilled and so excited to be part of our own little writers group (how much of a nerd do I sound?) It’s growing each day and we find the more we post the more traffic we get – well, der! Seriously though, it’s such a lovely place to just check in with each day and we have a mixture of serious and light posts – three posts in total each day.

It is all of our blogs combined to make a super-blog! And really we’re all very talented mars bars so you should pop in and see what we write about. DO IT! Tattoo it on your forehead if you like. KIKI AND TEA!

Bring back the vagina

AMEN! On Monday night’s brilliant live show which is Q&A – they had a stellar panel. Benjamin Law (writer and senior contributor to Frankie magazine, I’ve talked about him before here), Germaine Greer (does she need an introduction?) and Mr Porn Pastor (which sounds like Prawn Pasta if you say it really quick) who ran a workshop at Sexpo over the weekend educating people about the addictive nature of porn and how it can be damaging to society. He has a point since 99% of men and an increasing number of women watch porn… and well, the other 1% is lying.

Anyway, Mr Porn Pastor told the panel and the rest of Australia that the reason for the increase in anal sex videos on porn hubs is because girls get paid more. A lot more – double in fact. So for a regular porno, where a woman has vaginal intercourse she gets paid say $750 dollars but for an anal porno she gets $1500. So if you were desperately in need of money which one would you choose?

 Then other members of the panel went on to say that anal sex has made its way into the bedroom of everyday people because of porn. Just the same way that most girls are hairless (Brazilians etc) as the trend started in the porn industry. But how are we supposed to dictate what happens to migrate from the sex industry into our bedrooms? I know how – by being honest about what you do and do not like. Don’t feel pressured! I’m not interested in being another hairless woman, so I simply don’t get Brazilians. Simple. If you want to do that – do it for yourself not because you feel like you should.

This is probably a whole post in itself. But Mia Freedman said it pretty well this week. One comment on that post which made me laugh for reals was “if your boyfriend/husband etc asks to have anal sex – tell him you will, if he goes first. So get your vibrator ready and bingo! Then it’s fair game”

Miss Pin-up Australia

Two weeks ago, the gorgeous womie (Miss Hayley) and I went to see the final of Miss Pin-up Australia. It started at 5pm and went for oh, ABOUT NINE HOURS STRAIGHT! It was a lot of fun to see the girls dressed up and playing the part of the 1950s/60s housewife, but seriously there’s only so much posing with a mop or applying of lipstick this girl can handle. I want to see someone sing or dance or fall over! Anything but please just be different to the other 50 girls I just watched do the same thing.

Some of the girls made their own outfits which blew me out of the water and we did have a 3-course dinner which was pretty darn good. Plus a few bottles of wine which went down a treat. But come midnight if I drank one more sip of chardonnay you would’ve had to have carried me out of Hornsby RSL. Truly. We didn’t stay for the presentation – did I mention it was after 2am and we arrived at 5pm?! Miss Lushes Lashes won. Of course she did. Although I swear I thought Miss Kitten Darling was going to win – she was in every category! That girl wanted that crown bad!

What’s going on in your world?