The Budding Rose

The obsession with virginity

2012-05-27T21:00:00.000+10:00

Virginity has become a bit of a hot topic this week after 29-year-old American Olympic hurdler, Lolo Jones revealed to HBO's Real Sports that she doesn't want to have sex until marriage. The interview - in which she called her extended abstinence "harder than training for the Olympics" - has further fueled Jones' social media stardom. Her Twitter (@lolojones) following has jumped by 40 per cent since May 20.

The question is why is virginity suddenly so popular? Should this kind of information be private or do we like to know the sexual history of not only celebrities and athletes, but also our friends? Do we admire people like Lolo coming forward and being so frank and honest about sex?

Society has an obsession with youth and beauty but we also have an obsession with virginity. Well this is what I witnessed when I read an article in the Sydney Morning Herald last week focusing on virginity's unwitting casualties.

Luke Malone interviewed Sydney-based sex therapist Matty Silver who says:

"While saving oneself for marriage is a personal choice, she warns of an unexpected condition that can affect some women who are waiting for Mr Right - vaginismus"

Now I'm not a sex therapist, even if I like to sometimes pretend I am but even I think that's a pretty big call. I read that comment as single ladies beware if you wait too long to have sex with a man or go past the 3 date bonking rule, your vagina will become out of order. You've been warned.

Not only will you not be able to have sex but you will develop psychological issues when it comes to talking about or having sex.

Vaginismus is of course not something to laugh about. It is thought to affect at least two per cent of Australian women. It is described as an involuntary contraction of the muscles surrounding the entrance to the vagina, it can make penetration either painful or impossible and cause much distress to the individual.

What I'm most concerned about is the tone of the article. It's basically warning women who are waiting till their wedding night to have sex that they should be bonking everything in sight, otherwise they'll not be able to have sex with their husbands.

What a load of shit. Sorry.

I was raised Catholic and went to church every Sunday until I was at least sixteen. Of course the Bible says that I should wait until marriage to lose my virginity but I chose not to. And I don't regret this. But women who decide to wait until marriage should not be ridiculed or live in fear of developing vaginismus.

The article goes on to say:

"While a religious upbringing is a common thread found in many cases, it's not the only link. Women subjected to sexual abuse can develop similar problems, as can individuals who have developed a fear of childbirth"

Towards the end of the article it is less controversial and explores the real issues related to the condition. Dr Jules Black, an internationally noted obstetrician and gynaecologist who specialises in sexual health says "there's no problem with virginity in and of itself, as long as the individual is comfortable with her body. He suggests that women who have decided to wait until marriage try not to put so much pressure on themselves"

Okay. Thanks Doc. What about male virgins? Why are we always talking about a woman's virginity and waiting until marriage?

Personally, I think articles like this which focus on a woman's choice to have sex, not have sex or to wait to lose their virginity let us down. It's a deeply personal decision and no woman should be made to feel as though waiting for the elusive "Mr Right" is going to lead her to have sexual health problems when in fact the opposite is true. STIs and STDs are on the rise and this is what we should be educating our society about.

What do you think is societies obsession with virginity? Do you think Lolo Jones was brave to come forward as a proud 29-year-old virgin or should people keep some things private?

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How to date online like a pro

2012-05-19T16:12:00.001+10:00

Now that I've fooled you into reading this post by my lack of online dating skills I'm feeling quite smug. In the last couple of weeks I've decided to venture out of my comfort zone a little and join a dating website. Have a good old laugh if you like but I'm not embarrassed at all. Truly I'm not. This is probably because I'm hardly the first person to join RSVP, eHarmony or Grindr and I certainly won't be the last.

Most of my life - this blog, my weekly contributions on Kiki & Tea and my pointless rambling on Twitter are all online so it made sense to me that I would dip my toe into the world of online dating. I'm a bit wary. I've been on RSVP once before and I had a negative experience which made me hide my profile all before I even met up with a human being face to face. Let's call this guy Tom*

Tom looked pretty cute from his profile pic. He was in his mid-20s, well travelled and had been "active" in the last few days. By active I don't mean he was a fitness freak but he was regularly viewing his profile which proved to me his was keen to meet someone. So I decided to make contact. Some girls wait for guys to contact them and that's all well and good but I'm not that kind of girl.

I had quite a few guys "kiss" me in the first few days telling me they were interested in getting to know me, but I just wasn't that attracted or they didn't even have a profile pic (big no no) I'm sorry but if you don't have a picture I will just assume you're ugly. I don't want to meet up with someone if I don't know what they look like. Dating online is blind enough as it is.

So back to me and Tom. I spent a measly $9.99 to get in contact with him. I didn't do this for any other guy I usually let them pay but I really liked this guy and thought we would hit it off. We started chatting and seemed to get along well so the natural progression was to add him on Facebook.

The next morning I had 1 new friendship request and I was surprised and delighted to see it was Tom. I stalked his profile a bit during the day and then we chatted later that evening. I have since learnt an important online dating lesson - DO NOT add just anybody on Facebook. Bad, bad move.

That evening was the State of Origin decider. Queensland had won a game and New South Wales had one the other so I was more than a bit excited about the match that night. I'm a footy nut I would happily sit on the couch all weekend and watch sport if I could. I'm not you're regular girl. I choose sport over shopping. I plan to put this in my profile!

Anyway, I was carried away that evening with the greatest game in Australia (Rugby league) and my 3 piece feed from KFC. I was not interested in hearing from Tom. I was not interested in my family talking to me about anything other than footy. I wanted my junk food and I wanted to see some big hits. I'm a simple girl really.

But Tom wanted to chat. Tom wanted to chat at kick off. Tom wanted to chat as the tries were being scored and Tom wanted to chat all through the effin' game! I shook my head and thought ok, enough is enough, I don't think we are that compatible after all. After not getting a response from me he decided to take his beef to Facebook. Oh yes, he did. This is why I don't add just any moron on Facebook - especially guys or girls I'm seeing or am interested in.

Good old Tom from unspecified dating website posted on my wall for the world to see. He was hurt that we hadn't spoken in oh, I don't know, 12 hours! And he let all my 134 friends know that I'd hunted him down on said dating website and I was just a user and an abuser. Laugh. It got a few "likes" and a few bemused comments from old high school friends. At first I was mortified 'who the hell does this guy think he is?'

Block. Delete. Dignity still somewhat preserved.

I never did meet up with Tom. Bullet. Dodged.

So now after a year I'm ready to brave the world of online dating again. Let's just hope I can pick them better this time.

Do you have any experience with online dating? Give me some tips please! Or if you're happily married please let me in on your secret.

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My Driving Phobia (or the day I cried like a girl)

2012-05-12T13:57:00.001+10:00

This is me. When I'm 80.

A few nights ago I was curled up with a copy of Kerri Sackville's new book The Little Book of Anxiety as my kitten, Lola, started biting the corner of the pages. I tweeted this and wondered should I be worried? That's when I realised that I too live with my own little anxieties about stuff that perhaps normal people wouldn't worry about.

I live in my head a lot. I talk to myself (sometimes out loud) and weigh up situations that most of us wouldn't bother even thinking about. My friends call this place Roseland. I sure have racked up a few thousand frequent flyer points to this unknown land. It's usually when people are talking to me and they get to the crux of their story and somehow, magically, I just tune out. I don't mean to be rude it just happens and then when the conversation it brought up a week later I say, "I don't remember you telling me this" and they roll their eyes. Whoops.

Focusing on one thing is a challenge for me. I'm always busy thinking about the next thing I need to do or what time I need to leave the house to make it somewhere on time. I procrastinate badly. Just to write this post I had to clean my bedroom, put on a load of washing, wash the dishes, vacuum, have lunch, book my manicure appointment before I even thought about writing.

I get anxious and feel just as lonely as the next person. While my anxieties don't control my life like some more serious cases, it doesn't mean I don't feel them. I used to be very anxious about driving. I hated the idea of getting behind the wheel and taking control of a huge piece of machinery that could in fact kill me. Ridiculous? I never feel this way on a plane or when someone else is driving.

Nearly a month ago I got my first car. I'd love to tell you that the phobia has gone (well it has to an extent) but I still get a little shaky and my palms sweat. I used to have a recurring dream about being in the back seat of the car and I couldn't reach the brakes. Or I'd go to hit the brakes and they'd just disappear. I try not to fantasise about this while I'm actually on the road as I'd possibly go mad.

I had a bit of an episode a few weeks ago as I was driving to a new area. I wasn't familiar and I was completely out of my comfort zone. The sun went down and suddenly everything was dark. Did I mention my eyesight is shit? It was still peak hour as I was trying to navigate the streets around the upper North Shore of Sydney with pedestrians running madly across the main roads. I was petrified at the time. I can laugh now but the fear is very real. I hate being out of control. I hate the feeling of being lost. I hate being late. As I sat in my navy blue Astra I felt all these feelings come bubbling to the surface.

So I did whatever any normal 26yo girl would do.

I cried like a little girl. More like wailed actually. I'd been driving for nearly 2 hours and I just couldn't find where I was supposed to be going. As my navman repeated at me "make a u-turn when possible" I threw the useless thing in the backseat and rested my head on the steering wheel. I forgot that my window was down and wondered why everyone coming out of the station was looking at me.

'Did her boyfriend break up with her? Did she lose her job?' they wondered. No. I just have a shocking sense of direction.

After having my little moment I decided I wasn't going to admit defeat. I would find my way there whether it killed me. And I thought chances are I'd cry again trying to get home as it was further away than my destination. So I put the car into drive and took off using my iPhone GPS as my navigator (much easier) and I found myself in familiar surroundings within a few short minutes.

When I finally got to dinner with my family I told them I'd cried. It made me feel better and I had a good laugh about it. At that moment, Dad leaned over and said he'd been crying for an hour down in his car feeling redundant that his newly-driving daughter didn't need him anymore. When I was late he assumed the worst. That I'd died. I'd died in my first car and he'd never see me again. Perhaps this is where my anxiety comes from?

I questioned him why he didn't call my mobile. He said he was too sad and was playing sad songs over and over again in his car grieving for his only daughter. Right.

I have driven this route since my very public breakdown in the small streets of Wollstonecraft. I know it like the back of my hand.

If they move, I'm screwed.

What do you feel anxious about? Do you feel you have some control over it or does it weigh you down?

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50 Shades of Lust?

2012-05-05T16:40:00.000+10:00

Well, I've just finished reading the most talked about book right now 50 Shades of Grey and I'm not sure whether I'm a lover or a hater. In theory I love the idea of erotic fiction, I mean I'm a regular reader of Lush Stories but that's a whole other post. I guess I read it to see what all the fuss was about. Or not about to be perfectly honest. I struggled to read the book cover to cover for a few reasons. Let me enlighten you.

1. I found Ana's innocence a little raw

Being a late bloomer myself I found many similarities between myself and the central character, Anastasia Steele. Perhaps one of the reasons I found her so annoying is because she was so much like me say two to three years ago. She's a bit mystified by love, sex and what it all means. She's overwhelmed. And so was I. She explores her feelings of love and lust and confuses the two. Yet I have to say the obsessive love she feels for Christian Grey is believable.

2. The traditional male and female roles bugged me

Christian Grey is the leader and Anastasia Steele is the follower. They are in a BDSM relationship (Christian is the Dominant and Anastasia is the Submissive) but I felt these roles, in and out of the bedroom, reflect the deep misogyny that is still embedded in society. Grey is a self-confessed control freak and a wealthy one at that. He is a successful entrepreneur and Anastasia is a literature student.

Would the book have been as successful if Anastasia were a successful businesswoman and Christian a bricklayer? Perhaps.

I guess the real question is do women just want to be rescued? Still. In 2012? I won't say I wasn't swept up in the plot, apart from the author's repetitive use of "inner goddess" and "oh my" and "he touched my sex." He touched your vagina girl. Deal with it.

3. I'm a cynical 26-year-old

Yes. Yes I am. I've been in love once and it was as intense and confusing as Christian and Anastasia. it was obsessive in many ways and I cut off from a few friends during the relationship. That was my own fault. But I have to say that I don't believe that obsessive love or all consuming love really lasts. I think it washes over you. You fall deeply in love so quickly but then it just kind of fizzles out.

I'm not saying that the love I felt wasn't real, I know it was, but I just don't think one person can be your one and only. There are different types of love in this world and right now the love I feel from my platonic relationships is the real love I think I've always been searching for.

4. Thank god Ana doesn't give up her job

As a feminist I would've promptly burnt my copy of 50 Shades of Grey had Ana quit her job and lived happily ever after being Grey's sex slave. Okay that was a tad melodramatic. I probably would've just hurled the book across the room.

I think it's so important for women to follow their passion and not to be become "the wife" I have a real problem with gender roles, don't I? Perhaps because I don't fall in love with the gender, I fall in love with the person - this is probably why it bugs me so much. Sometimes it can be tiring for me when I think about it.

So with all that in mind I don't think a work of fiction, like this, has ever left me feeling so conflicted. I think I love what 50 Shades could've been and I will search for something else similar to read. Our very own Whippersnapper tweeted me saying she thinks I will most definitely read the second novel, 50 Shades Darker and you know what she's probably right. Damn it.

Have you read 50 Shades of Grey? Why do you think it's hit such a nerve with women?

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I'm not a phone talker. Here's why.

2012-04-27T20:21:00.001+10:00

Yes, I'm one of those people that don't answer their phone. Well at least 90% of the time anyway. I can't be counted on in an emergency. Just so you know. I'm terrible. It's like I just freeze up as soon as my phone rings. 'How dare they call me! Don't they know it's polite to text first?' This probably sounds utterly ridiculous but hey, it's just the way I am.

I wasn't always programmed this way. I could chew the ear off anyone who would listen to me. When my mum cut the home phone off after I ran up a $300+ bill to mobiles, I was often spotted down at the Telstra pay phone calling my friends. It didn't matter that the corner store guy heard my whole conversation, I was a teenager and damn it I had a lot of important issues I needed to discuss with my girlfriends over the PHONE.

I'm a big talker. I love to talk; I love an audience who will listen to me. What I don't like is the phone. It just feels so impersonal. So forced. Maybe it's the Italian in me but I need to use my hands and I need you to see my facial expressions to really get my point across. Do you get me?

One of my biggest downfalls is talking to new people on the phone. I'm nervous. I see my phone flashing and I chuck it under a cushion. Show up at my front door, fine - call me and you'll probably never get a reply or it'll be hours later. Sometimes I can be good but mostly I'm just fucking hopeless. I have been told "what is the point of owning a phone if you never answer it!" Point taken. I'd happily disable the phone option on my iPhone and keep all the gadgets I like - texting, Facebook, Twitter, Draw Something, Footy tips I could go on and on.

Are you still reading? Was that your phone? No problem I'll just wait while you take the call.

You're back! Super.

I do believe that since the Internet swallowed up my social life I have become almost afraid to talk on the phone. Text? Yes. Email? Sure thing. Call me to check where I am when we're meeting up? No problem. But a whole drawn out conversation is just too much.

Give me a ~~coffee~~ JD & coke and sit down in front of my FACE and let's have a real conversation. That's what I like. That's how I connect. I enjoy seeing the lines on your face as you tell me a story. I like eye contact. I like to be able to reach out and touch you if you tell me something great or not so great has happened. I'm an affectionate person; always have been.

I know this whole point is moot since I love the online world where I can connect with my friends in a heartbeat. But I do enjoy a catch up where there's no boiling hot phone against my ear, ruining my curls I perfected with Moroccan Oil cream this morning. I love you but not as much as I love my tamed hair.

Are you a phone talker or a texter? Do you prefer to catch up face to face?

* I do realise it's not possible to catch up with everyone face to face. My best friend lives in Queensland. I get it. I just miss being able to kiss her on each cheek, hug each other and let her see my facial expressions. I think it's time I got on Skype.

bits & pieces - life stuff

2012-04-21T16:00:00.000+10:00

This post is well overdue mainly because I've been a busy bee as of late. Easter has been and gone and before you know it it'll be time for me to hop on a plane to watch my beautiful cousin, Lisa, who is like a sister to me, get married. It has allowed for me to reflect on my life and realise that I won't always live on my own and these quiet days are numbered so lately I've been living it up!

My angel

She's not always this peaceful!

Well as most of my close family and friends know by now I have adopted a kitten from Pet Rescue. She is just adorable and gives me lots of kisses and cuddles. I've named her Lola. She has given me a new lease on life and I'm able to live in the moment much more now. I'm usually fairly all over the place so it's nice to walk in the door and my little girl is there waiting for me. What I wasn't so thrilled about this morning was waking up to little miss who decided to have an accident on my sheets! Practice for having kids hey?

Book Proposal

This is possibly the biggest task of my life. Yes you could say that. I can't give too much away but I'm working on a non-fiction book proposal at the moment. It's very hard to sell yourself as a writer but I figure if I just keep at it, as I know this is what I'm supposed to do with my life, then it'll fall into place eventually. If you want something bad enough - stick with it - it can be so rewarding. You just have to work through the hundreds (thousands?) of rejections and know that success will be that much sweeter.

Fifty Shades of Grey

I'm obsessed OBSESSED with this book at the moment. It's romantic, trashy and addictive. Kind of like my addiction to The Bachelor. Don't judge me! I feel you judging.

Here's the lowdown on the New York Times Bestseller . . .

"When literature student Anastasia Steele interviews successful entrepreneur Christian Grey, she finds him very attractive and deeply intimidating. Convinced that their meeting went badly, she tries to put him out of her mind - until he turns up at the store where she works part-time, and invites her out.

Unworldly and innocent, Ana is shocked to find she wants this man. And, when he warns her to keep her distance, it only makes her want him more.

But Grey is tormented by inner demons, and consumed by the need to control. As they embark on a passionate love affair, Ana discovers more about her own desires, as well as the dark secrets Grey keeps hidden away from public view..."

It is AMAZING. Trashy literature at its very best.

How's life treating you? What have you been reading or writing about lately?

Porn for women. Feminist-style

2012-04-21T15:10:00.001+10:00

Feminism and porn. Unlikely bedfellows? Maybe not, says Louise Lush who has been blogging about porn and running adult websites since 2000. She’s also been busy making erotic films for straight women since 2008. One has to question how porn, well mainstream male-dominated porn, could have anything to do with empowering women? A hell of a lot it seems.

It’s no secret that women watch porn. And no, not just with their boyfriends. Women are growing tired of the same testosterone driven fantasies. We have our own sexuality too and it would be nice to be able to find without having to troll through video after video of poor quality and let’s face it, poor taste. The vast majority of explicit films are made for a male audience; at best it is degrading, and at worst it is physically harmful to the women featured in it.

The porn culture, especially since the rise of internet, has changed our attitudes towards sex. Gone are the days of sneaking through copies of Penthouse or Playboy, now all you need to do is Google your fantasy and you’ll have over a million results. Many of those including videos of it acted out. Depending on what it is and how comfortable you feel in your relationship you might try to play out the fantasy in the bedroom. Or you may dabble in it on your own to find what makes you tick. I’m not ashamed to admit I do this. Often. I’ve always believed it’s healthy to explore your sexuality, whether that be with a partner or solo. What I’m not comfortable with is the increasing level of violence in mainstream porno flicks, or what most refer to as gonzo. Censoring porn, though, is not going to fix this problem but educating young people will.

Feminist porn filmmakers are a breath of fresh air as the industry itself starts to resemble cheap beer and stale cigarettes. Male porn is predictable. It may push the envelope from time to time but it’s fairly standard. Most men don’t need foreplay to get aroused. Most women do. Men know this but some pretend not to care. This is generally the role the male plays in traditional porn. With an exception or two, which I’m sure most ladies who enjoy porn from time to time have safely bookmarked.

Male porn is made for a male audience to enjoy and pleasure themselves. It is not specifically made for women. Which is why it is refreshing to see women-only porn making progress in an industry saturated with a male-orientated view of what constitutes good sex.

Indigo Lush describes it best “some people assume since [it's porn for women it'll] have a soft focus or romantic erotica, designed not to offend”. If you Google ‘porn for women’, images of men doing housework is the result. Funny, yes. And truthful for some but mostly it just saddens me.

I realise that the overwhelming majority of porn viewing is by men, but I believe this is because most women are watching male-orientated content because that’s what’s available to them. If male content wasn’t so mainstream perhaps more women would watch or incorporate it into their sex lives. It’s also about “the female gaze – explicitly assuming the viewer is female rather than male” says Lush. 90% of the content available on the net assumes the viewer is male. This is just part of the problem.

Women are tired of seeing other women objectified. It is important for women to explore their sexuality too but why should we settle for a male targeted porno flick to get us off? Surely there must be something better – tasteful, even, that explores fantasies with the right amount of respect given to all those involved in the film. The focus isn’t just on how large the man’s penis is or how many holes a woman can be “stuffed” with, it explores how both sexes get turned on. I don’t know about you but there’s nothing worse than watching a porno flick and the woman has a blank expression on her face; or she’s in pain – that’s not sexy. And it has no place in the future of the .xxx domain.

From a feminist perspective some may say there’s no place for porn. There are a lot of academics (Gail Dines, Melinda Tankard-Reist) who argue porn is detrimental to our health. And while I agree this can be the case, I believe it’s more about what is available to us mainstream, not exactly the idea of pornography. The industry itself does not need to be banned or filtered, the content needs to be challenged.

I argue there is a place for porn in our society and it will never go away, just like the war on drugs. Feminist porn and porn for women is a step in the right direction. Feminism for me is about equality, regarding men as our allies; not our enemy. It is empowering for women to explore their sexuality without any stimulation from their husband, boyfriend or lover. This is no shock; women’s magazines have created an empire in Australia since the 1970s and been responsible for women no longer feeling guilty or shameful if they pleasure themselves.

Reconstructing the landscape of porn is a challenge. People hold very strong views on porn “hijacking sexuality and destroying men” as Gail Dines, a professor of sociology and women’s studies at Wheelock College in Boston wrote in Pornland: How Porn Has Hijacked Our Sexuality.

Porn for women is a niche that Indigo Lush and many other filmmakers are trying to create for women to show they are heard. Feminism has come a long way from our right to vote, own a property or be our own boss. But we still have a lot of work to do.

Would you watch feminist porn? How do you feel about porn and your sexuality?

This post originally appeared on Kiki and Tea, where I am now an in-house writer. This image was found here.

No size 14? Why I'm calling bullshit on Kookai.

2012-04-17T21:27:00.005+10:00

My style icon, Christina Hendricks (Joan, Mad Men)

So late last Thursday night I took myself clothes shopping. Like 90% of the female population I'm sure. I was searching for a leather jacket. Nothing too fancy just something that fits, and is stylish - you know that effortless look we all strive for but only sometimes obtain. I went into a few stores I love Sportsgirl, Review and so on till I made my way into Kookai. This is where my shopping experience went downhill and fast.

I love Kookai, always have. I have many of their fruity coloured tops which I wear to work as I love a burst of colour. This isn't a rant as such but more an open letter to Kookai to express my disappointment. As I looked through the racks of beautiful, yet exxy items I realised something. Size 12, or as they have them in European sizes were not on the rack. Kookai has always looked sparse and fairly inviting and organised I must say but it all hit home why. They stock their size 12 tops, dresses, jackets - everything - out the back of the store. So you actually have to ask for one of the sales ladies to seek it out for you.

Not only that but they don't stock a size 14. I hover between a size 12/14 in most shops and not only am I disappointed that we don't have standard sizing in Australia but well known stores like Kookai actually refuse to cater for what is the average size for women. And it's almost like they're embarrassed they stock size twelve, TWELVE! which in my mind is a healthy size, that they hide their stock out the back. Now they could come back and say the store looks more elegant being sparse but I'm calling bullshit. It makes the average size woman, who is size 16 I must add, feel like there's no place for her at their store. Is it because they think average size or bigger girls aren't fashionable? Or that their is a 'thin is beautiful' mentality that leaks down throughout the company? Why the hell isn't their a size 14? Sportsgirl and Forever New, two of my favourite women's stores stock 14 or even 16 in some cases. And this is the way it should be.

Perhaps if these fashion chains started to get real and include the average size girl in their measurements and for their frocks they would be making a profit. I'm tired of hearing on the news how the retail industry is struggling, I just don't care anymore - they have it in their power to change. It's not rocket science that you have to move with the times. This reminds me of an article Michael Pascoe wrote in Business Day last month on Kmart CEO, Guy Russo.

"While some retailers whinge about business being tough, some change their business and boost profits. There's no better example than the remarkable job a former hamburger flipper (Russo is the former CEO of McDonalds in Australia, then China) has done in saving a major Australian retail chain from liquidation"

I think there is a lesson for fashion retailers to learn from the resurrection of the Kmart brand. You need to stop blaming the economy, the shoppers and so on and work from the inside, out. If you have the right business model and aim at including what is the standard Australian dress size then you might make more than just a profit, you'll create a whole new way of doing business.

How do you feel about the lack of a standard sizing chart for all Australian stores?

Have you experienced size discrimination on the racks in any well known stores?

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"Don't hate me because I'm beautiful"

2012-04-06T16:45:00.002+10:00

Well, if you haven't heard of Samantha Brick by now it must be damn comfortable underneath that rock. The Daily Mail columnist, whose post 'Don't hate me because I'm beautiful' has gone viral in the last 48 hours, maintains that the backlash she's receiving only proves her point, that women do not like attractive women. She may have a point there but don't we all get jealous from time to time - both men and women - and wish that we had our friends sense of style, humour, confidence or even physical attributes like bigger boobs, flatter abs or slimmer thighs.

What is most disconcerting about Brick's article is that she believes that women hate her for no other reason other than her lovely looks. Really? Maybe they don't like her personality, I mean she did dedicate a whole column to admitting how narcissist she is. I have to admit I'm not the biggest fan of anyone who feels the need to speak over the top of others or babble on about their own lives and their own self importance. These people, usually without even realising it, know shit all about what's going on in their friends lives. And that's actually quite sad. Friendship is a two way street. You talk, I talk and we give each other advice about the meaningless to the more serious aspects of daily life.

I'm not pretending I know Samantha Brick but I am making assumptions of her based on her article just like most of the world is this weekend. I'm not here to ridicule her and say she's ugly and deluded but I do wonder if she really does believe she's beautiful, why does she need the approval from us? This reminds me of Angelina Jolie at the Oscars who felt the need to show a bit more leg than was necessary to remind us that she's still got 'it'. To be honest this made me breathe a sigh of relief that Angelina, arguably one of the most beautiful women in the world, feels self conscious about her looks just like the rest of us. Well, perhaps not Ms. Brick.

Even the Dalai Lama has weighed into the debate. On Twitter no less. As he so eloquently puts it:

"An inflated sense of self-importance deflects us from the inner peace and happiness we seek and affects those around us negatively"

Yes Samantha Brick. The Dalai Lama has spoken. Bam! His words ring true in more ways than one. It is simply not healthy for our own peace and the peace of others to focus so much energy inwards. I don't think Samantha's article is doing her or women's body image any favours. Women (and men) will put her down and maintain she's "deluded" and "not that attractive anyway" and that "she needs to get a reality check." None of these comments are healthy for a women's wellbeing and only perpetuate the negativity and let's be honest, cement Samantha Brick's argument to begin with.

I have previously written about how women need to have more confidence in their appearance and even put out a call for women to think of something today that would make them believe they can be sexy. The reason I feel that Samantha's article has let women down is that she's not authentic - she makes the reader perceive this is how she feels every single day. And I don't care how beautiful she thinks she is there are some days when you wake up feeling like a fat pig. That's life. It just isn't logical that she wouldn't have the same insecurities as the rest of us but she doesn't let on and that is a great shame.

The only hint of insecurity I get from her is her awareness that not one girlfriend has ever asked her to be a bridesmaid. I find it hard to believe that this is because of her looks. Come on now. Perhaps her girlfriends aren't that close? Or they have other girlfriends who they consider closer and maybe because they don't walk around with an air of increased self-importance.

The saddest thing of all is that Samantha Brick is placing all of the blame on everyone around her for her shortcomings. As she says "jealous wives have frozen me out of their lives; insecure female bosses have also barred her promotions at work." Is it really because of her looks? I don't think so. To always look out of yourself and blame others is quite immature really. I don't think I'd bar a super attractive girlfriend from my life because I felt threatened or insecure because of her, I'd bar her because her personality and 'always the victim' mentality would piss me right off.

While I believe it's important to take pride in one's appearance and to be confident (even if you don't feel it necessarily) I think Samantha Brick is not doing women any favours by coming out saying other women hate beautiful women.

The fact she has written articles titled "I use my sex appeal to get ahead at work... and so does ANY woman with any sense" and "Why my husband says he'll divorce me if I get fat" paints quite a picture of the journalist's need for a sensationalist headline to say the least.

The UK band 'One Direction' say it better than anyone else "You don't know you're beautiful, that's what makes you beautiful."

What do you think of Samantha Brick's comments? Is it still taboo to feel attractive, much less admit you think you are good looking?

This image was found at Daily Mail.

This video was sourced on YouTube.

Feminism is not a dirty word

2012-04-01T22:58:00.001+10:00

Sometimes when I hear the word feminist I think of all the bad connotations associated with it. Such as the burning of the bra or Germaine Greer's The Female Eunuch where she suggests that the reader take a moment to taste their own menstrual blood. 'If you haven't tasted it yet, you've got a long way to go, baby,' she says. How about no? I'll pass. Out. To be perfectly honest I've become disillusioned Germaine especially after her antics on ABC's Q&A program a few weeks ago. I feel she's controversial just for the sake of a headline and it made me question what it means to be a woman in 2012. Feminism isn't for me. Or so I thought.

Caitlin Moran has restored my faith in what it means to be a woman. I stopped believing it was important for women to stick up for their rights. I felt out of touch with what it meant to be a feminist. Feminism to me always seemed so serious or more suited to grownups and surely that wasn't me. I follow proud feminist blogs and writers who are in the public eye such as Rachel Hills and Clementine Ford to name a few but no one has ever asked me personally "Rose, I am a feminist. Are you?" It just never seemed that important.

Being born in 1985 I never really understood why unmarried women were never given access to the Pill. All of these luxuries that I benefit from as a modern woman I haven't had to fight for. That's probably why I don't get feminism. Or more so I don't understand how to apply it to my own life as a 20-something single woman. I'm not an angry woman. People have it in their heads that all feminists are angry. I'm not angry I just want equality. Is that so bad?

Those who know me well know I'm not comfortable with the idea of gender roles. The traditional "husband" and "wife" roles just don't sit well with me. Hear me out. In this day and age women shouldn't be expected to stay at home and raise the babies while the husband goes out the door everyday as the breadwinner. Yet in many marriages and relationships men are still seen as 'the boss' or the decision-makers especially when it comes to matters with money.

And it's no secret that men still outnumber women in the boardrooms, is this because sexism is still rife in corporate environments or because women are still off having 'the babies'? To be perfectly honest I can't think of anything worse than being somebody's 'Missus'. I don't even think I believe marriage is for me. Oh dear, I can already see my future partner running for the hills. I'm a catch! I swear!

2DayFM morning co-host, JackieO gave an interview to Sunday Life (Sun Herald) last weekend on Kyle, her critics, and why she's not a feminist. Say what? I'm sorry what part of the women's liberation isn't for you? She explains:

"I know. I do feel like I have achieved so much, in radio especially. But I've never considered myself a feminist. I'm just, you know, I'm doing what I love. I'm really proud of how far I've come. But... you know."

No Jackie O, I don't know because you're not explaining yourself. You've basically influenced thousands (possibly millions) of women to feel guilty for being a feminist.

Jackie O sounds like me two years ago. I thought I couldn't enjoy sex and be a feminist. I thought I couldn't have more guy friends than girl friends and call myself a feminist. I thought I had to be a man-hater, basically. The label didn't apply to me, it felt old-fashioned and dreary. But what I needed to do was reevaluate what feminism meant for me and how it fit into my life as a modern woman.

I remember the first time I felt like a woman. It was Halloween 1997 and I got my first period. Too much? Well it hurt like a mofo. At that moment I thought "why am I a woman? Why does this hurt so much?" Then I thought I knew the secret when I lost my virginity and suddenly I found out what all the fuss was about. Or not about to be perfectly honest. Yet as I approach the later part of my twenties I'm finally understanding what it means to be a woman.

To be a woman we need to ask ourselves are the men doing it or more accurately why are the men not doing it? Why are women submitting themselves to Brazilians and Botox when countless men are not? What is our obsession with the youthful look of women yet a man gets a few grey hairs and suddenly he's a silver fox.

Being a woman is so much more than boobs and beauty yet I refuse to get a Brazilian because I believe it isn't positive for women's body image. That's my call; it's my body. I believe that women shouldn't be measured by their maternal instincts and if a woman chooses to not have children this does not make her any less of a woman than it would a man. We need to stop judging women for not being traditional. Tell me when a man gets asked "so when are you going to have a baby?"

As Caitlin Moran so eloquently puts 'it's not as if strident feminists want to take over from men. We're not arguing for the whole world. Just our share. As far as I'm concerned, men can just carry on doing pretty much whatever they like. I don't want men to go away. I don't want men to stop what they're doing.'

What we want is the choice. There are times when I still walk around and feel like a piece of meat and I no longer want to feel this way. I'm not a sex object and I'm not "asking for it" I'm a human being with thoughts and feelings and sometimes I just want to be able to walk down the street and not be wolf whistled, or hit on or intimidated.

What does feminism mean to you? Have you ever been disillusioned with it?

What Women Really Want In A Man

2012-03-27T21:28:00.001+11:00

I have a confession to make. I’m in love. Yes it’s true. I’m in love with Don Draper and the rest of the Mad Men gang. I could happily spend the whole weekend on my couch with nothing but old fashioned’s, cigarettes (I socially smoke but I would smoke all day with him) and simply shut off from the rest of the world. I know I’m obsessed – each day I watch a new sneak peak video of Season 5 which aired on Sunday in the US and I share them all on Facebook and Twitter. How can people seriously live their lives not having watched this show? Are you mad?

What I love about it is that the show may be called “Mad Men” a term coined for advertising execs in the 1960s, but the women are just as mad as the men.

Since I’m counting down the hours till I can watch the first episode of Season 5 I’ve been madly (like what I did there?) searching the internet for interviews, spoilers, articles, ANYTHING related to the hit show.

Recently, Mad Men actress Christina Hendricks (Joan) did an interview with Esquire magazine which compiled a list of ‘Things Men Should Know About Women’. Here’s a few of Ms Hendricks’ tips. You’re welcome.

1. We love our man’s body when we love our man

Christina explains how powerfully enticing the scent of a man we love is to us. It’s intoxicating! The smell of a man as he’s all spruced up is one of the most divine smells on this planet. You know, just the right amount of aftershave. I may have been one of those girls who has taken note of a certain smell and then picked up the lynx can in Coles and sprayed some into the lid… If you’re reading, why hello yes it was you! One of the greatest things to me has always been the lingering smell of your man on a t-shirt you borrow to sleep in or your pillow the night after he stays over. Essence of a man; intoxicating. Women smell pretty damn fine too.

2. Women love it when a man acts like a gentleman

Isn’t this the truth! Chivalry will never go out of style. Men take note; tattoo it on your body I don’t care! I read an article a few months ago about how some women believe chivalry is sexist. NO, NO, NO! Who are these women? Opening our car door, heck any door is still a timeless, classy and appreciated quality in a man. It is sexy. Okay?

3. “We remember everything you say about our bodies”

Sadly this is true. When I was a teenager I had a boy say I had big thighs. Tell a woman something negative and we will become obsessed for all eternity with getting rid of it. Damn him anyway, wasn’t like he was perfect. A genuine compliment will take you a long way.

4. Pay attention to the little things

Ms Hendricks also admonishes men to pay attention to the little things we say, and that those experiences and gifts often mean the most. When she started dating her now husband she mentioned she had a fascination with the circus. Several months later he turned up with a black and white photography anthology of circus folk. Paying attention and being thoughtful and observant are always great qualities in a relationship.

PS. I like money. Lots of it.

I jest.

5. Expand your vocabulary

Writer Jill Brown explains another great tip for our male counterparts is the appeal of an expanded vocabulary. ‘Beautiful’ is great – but sometimes it gets worn out. Jill had a random stranger at the table, lean over to her date at dinner in Manhattan and quietly says ‘The smile that launched a thousand ships, huh?’

‘Stunning’ and just simply ‘God damn’ is pretty acceptable too fellas.

6. “We want you to order Scotch”

For you and for me too please! Scotch is sexy. If a man orders any dark spirit I think I fall instantly in lust. Hendricks says her reason is simple: “It’s the most impressive order… it’s a classic. It’s sexy”

Damn straight. I don’t care if you don’t like scotch. For the love of Don Draper – pretend dammit. Capish?

7. “No man should be on Facebook”

This is probably the only piece of advice that I disagree with. How else are we supposed to stalk you, I mean, get to know you. More accurately I would suggest not posting every little thing on Facebook, or any social networking site for that matter. Keep the mystery alive but please post a sexy profile pic so we have something to ogle at daily.

I’m sure Christina would agree with me but I thought it was appropriate to throw a couple of tips in myself since I’m just batting away men with a stick at the moment!

8. We like to be chased but not too much

It’s important to have a life of your own. Let’s keep the mystery alive as long as possible, eh? But women like to think that you think about us from time to time. So engage in a bit of banter – I speak on behalf of all women that we love a bit of harmless flirtation.

Just don’t go overboard. I don’t want to feel like I’m in the sequel to Fatal Attraction.

9. Be ambitious

Seriously, there’s nothing sexier than a man with a plan. Love something – I don’t care what it is but whether you’re passionate about footy, your antique stamp collection or building a fortress with empty beer bottles it translates into how you approach your everyday life. You don’t have to be worldly but showing that you take an interest in something that is just for you, shows confidence and trust me nothing is sexier. Unless of course you’re carrying a bottle of Jack Daniels and Ferrero Rochers, all bets are off! You no longer exist.

What would you add to the list? What other important things should men know about women and vice versa?

This post originally appeared on Kiki and Tea where I am now an in-house writer.

bits & pieces - life stuff

2012-03-21T18:28:00.002+11:00

March has rolled around and almost disappeared and one of these posts is definitely overdue! It’s almost Easter which is without fail one of my favourite times of the year as I can eat copious amounts of chocolate and not really give a flying French fry. As one of my favourite foods is seafood – prawns, fish, you name it – Good Friday is as good an excuse as any to indulge. Mum and I usually have garlic and chilli prawns in the oven which is just divine. I’m going to cook myself an amazing seafood feast that will probably last the whole Easter weekend. Just cause I can.

Kiki and Tea

So what’s Kiki and Tea all about you ask? Well, it’s a new website run by the lovely Miss T and John James who are regulars on Mamamia. I was invited to become an in-house writer which means writing two new pieces each week for the website. I am thrilled and so excited to be part of our own little writers group (how much of a nerd do I sound?) It’s growing each day and we find the more we post the more traffic we get – well, der! Seriously though, it’s such a lovely place to just check in with each day and we have a mixture of serious and light posts – three posts in total each day.

It is all of our blogs combined to make a super-blog! And really we’re all very talented mars bars so you should pop in and see what we write about. DO IT! Tattoo it on your forehead if you like. KIKI AND TEA!

Bring back the vagina

AMEN! On Monday night’s brilliant live show which is Q&A – they had a stellar panel. Benjamin Law (writer and senior contributor to Frankie magazine, I’ve talked about him before here), Germaine Greer (does she need an introduction?) and Mr Porn Pastor (which sounds like Prawn Pasta if you say it really quick) who ran a workshop at Sexpo over the weekend educating people about the addictive nature of porn and how it can be damaging to society. He has a point since 99% of men and an increasing number of women watch porn… and well, the other 1% is lying.

Anyway, Mr Porn Pastor told the panel and the rest of Australia that the reason for the increase in anal sex videos on porn hubs is because girls get paid more. A lot more – double in fact. So for a regular porno, where a woman has vaginal intercourse she gets paid say $750 dollars but for an anal porno she gets $1500. So if you were desperately in need of money which one would you choose?

Then other members of the panel went on to say that anal sex has made its way into the bedroom of everyday people because of porn. Just the same way that most girls are hairless (Brazilians etc) as the trend started in the porn industry. But how are we supposed to dictate what happens to migrate from the sex industry into our bedrooms? I know how – by being honest about what you do and do not like. Don’t feel pressured! I’m not interested in being another hairless woman, so I simply don’t get Brazilians. Simple. If you want to do that – do it for yourself not because you feel like you should.

This is probably a whole post in itself. But Mia Freedman said it pretty well this week. One comment on that post which made me laugh for reals was “if your boyfriend/husband etc asks to have anal sex – tell him you will, if he goes first. So get your vibrator ready and bingo! Then it’s fair game”

Miss Pin-up Australia

Two weeks ago, the gorgeous womie (Miss Hayley) and I went to see the final of Miss Pin-up Australia. It started at 5pm and went for oh, ABOUT NINE HOURS STRAIGHT! It was a lot of fun to see the girls dressed up and playing the part of the 1950s/60s housewife, but seriously there’s only so much posing with a mop or applying of lipstick this girl can handle. I want to see someone sing or dance or fall over! Anything but please just be different to the other 50 girls I just watched do the same thing.

Some of the girls made their own outfits which blew me out of the water and we did have a 3-course dinner which was pretty darn good. Plus a few bottles of wine which went down a treat. But come midnight if I drank one more sip of chardonnay you would’ve had to have carried me out of Hornsby RSL. Truly. We didn’t stay for the presentation – did I mention it was after 2am and we arrived at 5pm?! Miss Lushes Lashes won. Of course she did. Although I swear I thought Miss Kitten Darling was going to win – she was in every category! That girl wanted that crown bad!

What’s going on in your world?

Let's keep the sisterhood alive

2012-03-17T23:32:00.000+11:00

What has happened to the sisterhood? Since when has there been a war of mummy's against those of us who either don't want children or haven't had any yet? Is it really that hard to understand that we all go through our lives at different paces - some of us may be single, married, have children or childless all at the same time. Why does this mean we suddenly can't remain friends? Or at least friendly to each other about our life choices. Just because one of us is single and the other is raising a family doesn't mean we're polar opposites. We both still get lonely. It's just different. And it's time to find some common ground.

Ten years ago I met my best friend on the dance floor at a rave. Classy, I know. Doof doof music and everything. I was 17 and she was 22. I was still at school and she was working and had a lot of life experiences under her belt. We were different but we clicked. There may have been five years between us but I've always felt that we both had each other's back, as I struggled through those last years of high school and she was settling down in a long-term relationship and wanted commitment.

We shared a love of music. At one stage we wanted to both become DJ's as there aren't too many female DJ's in the scene. We spent A LOT of money on turntables; records; state of the art headphones; expensive needles; customised slipmats - the list goes on. We basically lived at OneStop DJ. Every Sunday evening we'd hang out and mix together and eat toasted cheese sandwiches. Life was fairly simple. As I left school and got a job and started to go to uni, she was growing up and spending a lot of time with her man. If I was struggling with uni she was there to give me an outlet as we drove around in her RX7 and listened to music at deafening sounds. We went clubbing, shopping or to the movies and did stuff that regular young 20-somethings do before life gets all complicated.

As her relationships ended and others began I started dating myself and our love lives did cause us to spend less time with each other but the love I have for her never stopped. As she moved up to Queensland to be with her new man things began to change and I thought maybe we'd drift apart. I knew she'd always be in my life but I wasn't sure how she'd fit in it anymore. I was scared and I missed her a lot. This probably sounds terribly silly as she was only moving to another state, an hours plane ride away, but I felt part of our friendship was dying. Change can happen so quickly and without our catch ups face to face I felt like our long-distance friendship wouldn't survive.

As I finished university and was planning a trip to Europe for the first time, her relationship started to crumble and she told me she was moving back to Sydney. I was ecstatic but she was arriving at the wrong time. I'd be not even half way through my trip when she was moving back in with her parents and I so desperately wanted to be there for her during those difficult weeks. I felt I could've done more for her during that time as I know she was grieving. But as I was overwhelmed with happiness at having just finished my Bachelor degree and spending time on sunny Italian islands, our lives couldn't have been more different.

But this is what I've learnt from our friendship. We're never in the same stage at the same time. There was a time when we were both in relationships, happy relationships, but we were usually always out of sync. Perhaps I could've held it against her that I was single and miserable while she was newly in love but that just didn't make sense. Her happiness made me happy and gave me hope for my future.

Two years ago, as she was sitting on my balcony just having realised that her ex wasn't in love with her anymore she told me how much she wanted a baby. She felt she'd never meet the right person and life just wouldn't work out for her. Being unlucky in love, as most of us are, I held my friend's hand and assured her things would work out for her. I didn't have a fucking clue anything would work out for her or even for me for that matter. I just knew that I loved her so much that it simply wasn't possible a man couldn't do the same.

These days she's raising her six-month-old daughter and she's back up in sunny Queensland with a new man who she was always supposed to end up with. During the happiest moments of her life I was back in Sydney with my life in disarray and my heart well and truly broken. I didn't get to meet her little girl until a month later but as the text came through that she'd had a baby girl I was overwhelmed with emotion for my friend. But I missed her more than ever.

Sure we may not be going through the same cycle right now - while she's changing nappies and breastfeeding, I'm out dating again and finding that I'm much happier in my own company at the moment. But we both have moments of loneliness. I feel it sometimes when I'm on my own at the most unexpected times and she feels it when people are constantly around her and she has no time for herself. Yet we both reach out to each other and remember that we're just those same girls who liked a mix on the turntables, bought each other Jack and coke and who danced right up the front of our favourite DJ's set well into the early hours.

Just because she's now a mother doesn't change who she is to me. She's my best friend, my rock and my confidant. Sure life has changed a lot but who's life doesn't change? When I look at how much love she has for her daughter and her little family it reminds me what a great friend she is to me. We may have very different stories to tell one another but then again, we always have.

Do you have a friend that you're out of sync with? Should our life choices really make old friendships fall apart?

This image was found at onefemalecanuck.

The ultimate Pin-up girl is you.

2012-03-11T21:24:00.001+11:00

So often these days we are fed a steady diet of wafer-thin models, celebrities or just that one cousin of yours who manages to always looks so elegant, Posh Beckham would kill for her wardrobe. But you know what? I'm getting sick of the whole "thin is beautiful" and I'm tired of feeling guilty when I don't fit into the size 10 at my favourite local vintage tailored shop. I'm not fat, I have curves and it's about time I accept my body as the marvellous creation it is, rather than trying to mould into a skinny-mini version of myself.

You only have to look at the success of Adele, who was the top selling artist for 2011, to see the change in people's attitudes. Her voice is beautiful. She is beautiful and yet she doesn't feel the need to be some rockstar swinging from chandeliers or popping her boobs in people's faces. She has given many women, myself included, more confidence in our appearance and to stop worrying about our wobbly bits. Yes it's important to stay healthy, eat right and exercise regularly but just because you can't fit into Alex Perry's latest collection doesn't mean you should fall off the map.

Pin-up girls such as Marilyn Monroe from the 1950s show a culture that embraced womanly curves and ample busts. These women don't appear in our magazines anymore and it is a crying shame. At the end of watching My Week with Marilyn, a film which depicts a young boy desperate to get his foot in the door of an industry he adores, he suddenly ends up on the set of The Prince and the Showgirl and is captivated by the alluring Ms Monroe.

They just don't make stars like that anymore, I thought until I stumbled across and bought tickets to see the final of Miss Pin-up Australia. They had four categories - Miss Perfect Pinup (under 30s), Miss Illustrated Pinup (tattooed ladies), Miss Classic pinup (over 30s) and Miss VaVa Voom pinup which showed the plus size beauties. What a night! Some of these ladies make their own vintage garments and it was refreshing to see a range of different body types and sizes all strutting their stuff.

After the Marilyn film I felt empowered. It's rare that I walk out of a movie and feel like I have gained confidence I usually just feel sluggish from indulging in too much popcorn and choc-tops. Or my gigantic frozen coke which is a movie night treat. I will tell you honestly I went home and ran myself a bath and as I took my clothes off I felt my curves and smiled. This is probably the only time this has happened. I felt so empowered. So womanly. So happy.

It's easy to look and appreciate other people's bodies. I believe the female body is awe inspiring, being sexually attracted is just a cheeky bonus. And let me tell you, there's nothing better than tracing the curves a woman's body. Nothing. We spend way too much time focusing on the negative instead of complimenting ourselves. Confidence is beauty to me. Taking pride in your appearance and feeling like an outfit, a whack of red lippy or a beautiful pair of dangling earrings can really brighten up not only your day but your mood.

What makes you feel sexy? What one thing could you do today to embrace your body as it is?

Confessions of a car-free life

2012-03-04T15:53:00.007+11:00

I don't own a car. There is sometimes that awkward moment at the end of Friday night drinks where a colleague asks me "how are you getting home Rose?" and I go "the bus, I don't own a car" and suddenly they look at me like I've just announced that I secretly like Julia Gillard. I'm guessing it's the same look Kylie gets when they ask for her mobile number and she tells them "actually I don't own a smart phone." The horror.

The funny thing is people think I'm some kind of crazy environmentalist which is not the case. Or they picture me head to toe in bike gear ready to cycle to work. Trust me, I wouldn't wish that image of me on my worst enemy. But the thing is I just don't feel the need for a car. Not only are they expensive but I live near a busy main road in Sydney's inner-west so having a set of wheels just seems rather pointless to me when I can catch the bus every 10 minutes in and out of the city.

"If owing a house is the Great Australian Dream, owing a car may be the Australian Right. Or perhaps the Australian Necessity. There are more than 12 million cars in Australia. Owning our own set of wheels is ingrained in the Australian psyche," explains James Schloeffel who spent a year car-free and wrote about his experiences.

Going against the social norm of owning your own car is received with a mix of bewilderment and fear. I've known friends who have not shown up to work because their car has a flat tyre or it needs a service and most bosses have found this perfectly acceptable. What the? Since when has anyone not come to work because their train was delayed? Sure they'd be late but you would try and find another method of transport. Like a bus. Or a taxi. Or a camel. Oh wait, we're not in the desert. You get the drift.

I made the mistake of buying a car once. It was a red Ford Laser TX3 with over 200,000km's on the clock. It was a manual. It was a disaster. Not only was I still on my L's and was not even remotely close to completing my hours to sit the driving test, but I drove it less then six times.

It cost me $2300 and a few weeks after I got it the battery died (probably because it sat in the driveway) and then my friend tried to fix it and broke something else. All of a sudden my first car experiment turned into an expensive nightmare. It cost more to fix it than it did to buy it. See how I'm not referring to the sex of the car, "her" etc - I had no attachment whatsoever. I don't even remember the day it was taken away. I lost thousands of dollars. I think it's safe to say I would have been less scarred if I had just shot the toilet lid up and flushed lots of $50 and $100 dollar notes down it. Truly.

The only time I ever feel the need for a car is if it's really really hot or during a torrential downpour where my umbrella gets blown sideways. Or if I'm far from home and I've had a few too many drinks but hey, I wouldn't be able to drive anyway. I am spoilt though I get a lift to work everyday but usually make my own way home. Some may say that I'm getting all the advantages of a car without actually having to pay for one. This is true.

But part of the bus ride for me, perhaps like a car journey for you, is the reflective time I get. You may listen to breakfast or drive-home radio whereas I read my book. Last time I checked you can't read a book while driving with the exception of an old friend who used to read New Weekly while stuck in traffic. That was the last time I was a passenger in her car.

People in my life who once were car-less but now own a set of wheels love their new found freedom but admit that they don't walk as much as they used to. I may be weird but I love to walk nearly everywhere and I enjoy being able to stroll up to the shops. But I'll be the first to admit that I don't like carrying all my groceries home - that is a task in itself that I would happily love to own a car for approximately 5 minutes and then give the keys back.

Life without a car can be challenging but the simple fact is I don't know any different. If I relied on a car for years and then suddenly woke up without one, I would be lost too. It's a bit like your iPhone, I went for years without the internet on my phone and now I could just imagine how bored I would be if I didn't have Words with Friends to fill in a boring 5 minute wait.

Perhaps if I have children I'll need a car to get around but for now I'm perfectly happy with a bus ticket in one hand and a good book in the other.

Do you rely on your car too much? How do you get to and from work?

Bits & pieces - life stuff

2012-02-22T17:42:00.002+11:00

I thought it was about time for another one of these posts. I'm hoping to do at least one a month (sometimes two) because as you know some weeks fly by with barely a blip on the radar.

This week is a little different. For one, I have sprained my foot - fun times! Do not try this at home folks. And then I went out yesterday and tried to exercise on said sprained foot. Why? BECAUSE I AM AN IDIOT. So now it is really sore but luckily for me, I can still type! Phew.

How to be a Woman

You'd think I'm know that by now since I've been one for the past 26 years. Well, last time I checked. No no you silly mars bars it's the book I'm reading next. It's written by Caitlin Moran and it arrived on my desk yesterday. Thank you online shopping!

"There's never been a better time to be a woman: we have the vote and the Pill, and we haven't been burnt as witches since 1727. However, a few nagging questions do remain..."

Why are we supposed to get Brazilians? Should we use Botox? Do men secretly hate us? What should you call your vagina? Why does your bra hurt? And why does everyone ask you when you're going to have a baby?

Useless fact

All I've eaten today is double brie cheese and toast so far. I don't know how this helps you with your life but I thought it deserved a mention. Carry on.

The post about sex

My column on sex addiction was published yesterday on Mamamia. It took a lot of guts to write and no I didn't share it on Facebook. Family, hello! As regular readers on my blog will know I like to write about my experiences - openly and honestly. Warts and all. I felt comfortable publishing this piece because the subject matter was me. I would never discuss my sex life and use people's names or situations as that doesn't sit well with me (all that can be left for my fictional work!)

The response was overwhelmingly positive. Bar a couple of commenters calling me "cheap" but I can live with that. Of course it's not going to be everyone's cup of tea but I wrote it to de stigmatise women from feeling guilty about their sex lives. It's for women who have a higher sex drive than their partner, masturbate, use prostitutes etc.

It was never about showing off - although the title of the post was "I really like having sex" but as it appeared on the homepage yesterday as the latest post all I saw was "I REALLY LIKE HAVING SEX!!!" with my photo plastered on the front page! It was a laugh, I assure you.

Take it with a grain of salt. Not everything I write will be for you but let me tell you I enjoy each and every moment of it.

Richard Fidler

So a very lovely fella, who we'll call Sam (see fictional!) introduced me to the wonderful ABC program 'Conversations with Richard Fidler'. I'd heard about it before but never really listened to any of the guests. So far I've downloaded some interesting podcasts - Kate Holden (author of In My Skin, The Romantic), Mia Freedman, Leigh Sales, John Curtis who runs 'The Grey Man' a charitable organisation for removing underage sex workers from brothels in Thailand and the story of Tammy and Bridget Clinch.

Tammy and Bridget are living a love story that's complicated, surprising, and utterly different from most others.

Tammy Clinch was in hospital, after giving birth to her youngest daughter, when her husband came to her with the news that changed their marriage forever.

He had just been to see his specialist, and he told Tammy there was no cure for what was in his head and in his heart - that he should have been born a girl.

The only way he could go on living was to undergo gender re-assignment and become a woman.

Although Tammy felt like her world had crumbled totally, her love for him, her best friend, has ensured their survival and their happiness.

It is brilliant. You need to listen to the podcast. Go here.

Bec Sparrow

Mamamia's deputy editor, Bec, gave birth to a beautiful baby boy named Finlay two weeks ago. Her story has been far from easy.

Bec and her husband had a little girl near the end of 2010 called Georgie who was stillborn. I just adore Bec's writing - she wrote this piece today about sending an email 4 hours after her son was born. She cracks me up. Her resilience is something I am constantly in awe of.

This photo below was taken by Heartfelt, which describes itself as:

“… a volunteer organisation of professional photographers from all over Australia dedicated to giving the gift of photographic memories to families that have experienced stillbirths, premature and ill infants and children in the Neonatal Intensive Care Units of their local hospitals, as well as children with serious and terminal illnesses"

How's your week going? What are you reading, eating, doing that is making you happy?

Alexander, photo by Gavin Blue, Heartfelt.

Saved by cake. Everyday habits can beat depression.

2012-02-18T23:29:00.003+11:00

As I was midway through my run this week, I realised that I rely on exercise a hell of a lot to keep my mood and emotions in check. If I don't exercise for a couple of days then I'm not much fun to be around. I haven't always been like this. I've been a couch potato and I've been in Biggest Loser territory where I spent every evening, yes every evening, in Macca's drive-thru. I was addicted to those McChicken burgers for a very long time. It was a sad break-up really. I miss the mayo. Still.

In 2008, I was depressed and I was suicidal. I attempted to harm myself a couple of times, fairly half-hearted I must admit. I'd swallow my anti-depressants which were not helping even a little bit, followed by bourbon straight from the bottle. All it did was make me feel sick. I wanted to vomit my guts up. And I did. I was admitted to hospital a few times and visited numerous counsellors, psychologists, you name it to try and work out what was 'wrong' with me.

Not only was I fat but I felt completely out of control of what I was putting in my mouth. I didn't even rationalise it, I just ate it. The way I saw myself was as a big fat slob who would never be healthy because she was too lazy to put in the effort. I picked up bad habits very easily but I also passed these unhealthy traits onto my best friend at the time which wasn't far on her because she stacked on the weight as well.

This week an email from one of my favourite authors, Marian Keyes, arrived in my inbox. I was thrilled because a few years ago she stopped writing because she was suffering from depression. Now she has released her latest book, Saved by Cake, where she shares with us some of her favourite recipes. While she is a fiction author, I was so happy to just read anything by Marian and that she was finding everyday things like cooking, baking etc to help lift her out of her depression.

"Saved by Cake is an extremely honest account of Marian Keyes' recent battle with depression, and how baking has helped her. A complete novice in the kitchen, Marian decided to bake a cake for a friend and that was it - she decided that baking was what she needed to get through each day. And so she baked, and she wrote her recipes down, and little by little her depression started to lift... along with her sponges"

I can relate to Marian's need to find some small purpose to get up each morning. And sometimes it just can't be your partner. Or your kids. Or even your job. Marian needed something that was just hers. She needed something that would keep her mind busy, while she was unable to write any new novels, and so she took up baking.

Lately I've found cooking to be very therapeutic. It feels like I'm setting myself a small goal - to cook something that I've put time and effort into with fresh ingredients and a desire to stay healthy.

When I was at my darkest moments I would gorge on fast food and rarely walk more than 500m up the road. I sat in my room and I let the depression engulf me. And it ate me alive for many years - it stole so many precious moments from me and it showed a very ugly and selfish side to my personality. I don't pretend that I had the power to lift myself out at that time but I just wish I found the secret sooner. I was letting the past control my future and I was blaming those around me who loved me on problems that couldn't be resolved neatly. I'm a "we can fix it" kinda gal so this infuriated me.

I was mad at the world at having been dealt so much pain. Why do things keep getting harder, I thought. Why can't I wake up in the morning and not want to kill myself. Some weeks my first thought as I woke up was death. I would punish myself for thinking these thoughts and wonder when they were going to end.

The only time I really felt the weight of depression lift was when I took control and tried to think of the small things in my life that made me happy. I was overweight and I wanted to be healthy so I joined the gym and committed myself to being a stronger person, not just physically but mentally. As I lost the weight, slowly, part of the old me disappeared. I was no longer letting myself play the victim, I was in the driver's seat taking control of what was happening in my life.

The only other thing that helped lift me out was not God, or my partner at the time (although she was my backbone during those dark nights) but it was the sun. The sun freed me and made me feel like it was taking care of me. As I left the comfort of the gym and started running outdoors - the sun always had my back. It warmed me and it still to this day makes me feel at peace. I finally felt safe and more importantly happy in my own company again.

This is why I have given a great deal of thought to my next tattoo which will read -

"Rimani nella luce del sole"

Which is Italian for "stay in the sunlight." It's a metaphor for my life really to remember where I have been and where I want to be. I don't want to hide in the darkness anymore, it is cold and uninviting. Depression is a lonely and isolated disease and sometimes it makes no sense why it creeps up on you. You just have to keep holding onto those small moments that make you happy.

Those moments shape your life, even well after the depression has lifted and you feel as though the sun has returned. Appreciation for the small things in life - mine are taking a warm bath; reading a book; hanging out my washing (lame, I know) but these are all the things that keep me going. And let me reflect.

So Marian was Saved by Cake and I was saved by the sunshine. Sometimes it's the simplest of life's daily rituals that will unbuckle you from the depths of your depression. It may not be a person, or your career or those things you're 'supposed' to feel happy about. Look closer.

Have you ever suffered from depression? What saved or is saving you?

No excuses cooking

2012-02-11T18:00:00.002+11:00

I've always loved cooking I've just never really been any good at it. Actually, wait, let's step back a bit from that comment - I've just been lazy. Living on my own and being single has made me not really care about what I eat, when really I should. I could eat Special K for dinner and no one would even know (I may or may not have done this for lunch just now). You see I've never really had much inspiration. Those big encyclopaedia cookbooks scare the bejesus out of me. I have three. Marion Grasby's from the second season of Masterchef. I love it. I love her. But can I cook like her? No. Even with a recipe in hand.

Cooking has always left me feeling like a bit of a failure. In my head I think "you're a woman, you should be able to cook!". Yes I know it's politically incorrect to say but that's how my mind works. I have a few of Bill Granger's cookbooks as well - fantastic easy meals but all the ingredients that I need are just, well, daunting. And expensive! If I'm going to bother cooking for myself and give myself a reason NOT to eat takeaway food then it needs to be cheaper than my $15 chicken green curry w/ rice at my local Thai takeaway store. They cook a mean curry so I also need to start learning to cook food I not only like, but adore! Like I adore the Thai man who prepares my takeaway.

So 2012 became the crash course lesson in fine tuning my culinary skills. Watch out folks she's in the kitchen with a bright aqua coloured scan pan knife and she isn't afraid to use it! I have Michelle Bridges to thank for this. She has changed my attitude towards not only exercise but learning not only how to cook, but how to enjoy it! Who knew I could enjoy it more than popping into KFC or Dominos. But I do. Hear me out. When I have the time I just love preparing food. I love cutting it up and the different colours and textures. I love the aromas. But most of all I like that I've done it myself - just little 'ol me in the kitchen cooking up a storm!

I have cooked quite a few meals lately that have got my taste buds going "like woah". I don't like to toot my own trumpet but seriously adding all these fresh ingredients like garlic cloves, ginger (how fucking good is ginger?!) and herbs and spices is just creating a whole new world for me. As I'm typing this up I'm enjoying a Jim Beam (fancy that!) and triple cream brie cheese from my trip a few weeks ago up to the Hunter Valley. It is divine. If you're hungry I apologise. Actually no I don't - I don't want you here stealing my cheese! Get your own!

The thing I love most about cooking for yourself is that you can choose whatever the hell you want in your dish. If you want it super chilli or if you just want to eat it straight out of the wok. I may have been guilty of this just last week. Who needs a plate? It's just me. Think of it as less washing up. Awesome.

Here is one of my favourite recipes from Michelle Bridges' new cookbook 'the no excuses cookbook'. You're welcome.

Beef and oyster sauce stir-fry

Quick, healthy and very more-ish - watch your portion sizes! Serves 2. Prep: 15 mins. Cook: 10 mins. Cal per serve: 343.

What you'll need AKA get a notepad!

*2 teaspoons of peanut oil
*1 bunch of broccolini cut into 4cm chunks
*1 red onion, cut into wedges
*125g baby sweet corn, halved lengthwise on the diagonal
*175g rump steak, fat trimmed, sliced or just diced beef (heart smart)
*250g mixed mushrooms (brown, oyster etc) chopped or just button mushrooms like me
*2 cloves garlic, crushed
*3cm piece of ginger, peeled and shredded
*1 1/2 tablespoons of oyster sauce

Method

1. Heat half the oil in a wok on high and stir-fry the broccolini, onion and corn for 5 minutes or until just tender. Remove from the wok.

2. Heat the remaining oil in the wok, add the beef and stir-fry until just browned. Remove from the wok.

3. Stir-fry the mushrooms, garlic and ginger for 3-4 minutes or until they're browned and the moisture has evaporated. Return the vegetables and beef to the wok, add the oyster sauce and stir-fry until well coated.

Tip: It's important to just sear the beef, or it will overcook and be tough.

Tip 2: Or if we're good friends and most importantly I like you, invite yourself over and I will cook it for you.

I'm tackling a new recipe tonight Thai chilli prawn stir-fry. Yes I may end up with the name 'stir-fry bitch' but you're just jealous cause I can cook!

Happy cooking you fine looking person, you.

What do you like to cook? What is your no fail recipe? Sharing is caring.

This is a sponsored post brought to you by Michelle Bridges Inc. Yeah right. But I want my share of royalties in her cookbook sales now!

Sex addiction. He's a stud. Is she a slut?

2012-02-08T20:55:00.007+11:00

Emma Stone in the hit film 'Easy A'

***Warning: this post contains personal information that may not be appropriate for family/friends to read. I'm happy to put it out there; as the subject matter is myself, but consider yourselves warned it's about sex - particularly my past and present sex life***

It is a little known fact that men visit prostitutes. Some would even say it's not particularly eyebrow raising nor would they even blink an eye if a man admitted to paying for sex. "Sex addiction has been a media constant for several years now, thanks to serial philanderers such as Tiger Woods and Charlie Sheen," says Rachel Hills in her article The Naked Truth on the sex addiction myth. I guess we're used to men behaving this way. Women? Not so much.

'Remember that as recently as the early 1970s, the American Psychiatric Association still classified homosexuality as a mental illness. Similarly, deciding who and what qualifies as a "seriously ill" sex addict and what is simply a "healthy expression of human sexuality" means drawing boundaries with highly moralistic implications. How much masturbation is too much? How many partners is too many? Is there a difference between using sex as a panacea for your frustrations and being chemically dependent on it?'

This stuff fascinates me. I've had passionate sex; angry sex; soulful sex and sex with people I'd rather never see again. It's safe to say most of us have. I've had conversations with many girlfriends who confess that they feel their sex drive is quite high in relation to most men they've dated. I nod my head in agreement because it's still fairly taboo to be a woman and take pleasure in casual encounters, much less even consider being addicted to sex. We're either labelled 'sluts' or 'promiscuous'. For men it's just another notch on the bedpost.

I'm used to the promiscuous tag as I identify myself as bisexual. I have had relationships and had sex with both men and women. I have personally used prostitutes (escorts, strippers - whatever you want to call them) both male and female and while I'm sure this isn't the norm for most women - that's me. I don't apologise for that. The reason I'm putting my name to such personal information (let's face it I could remain anonymous) is that I'm trying to encourage women to own their sexuality and de-stigmatise them. I'm growing tired of the shackles.

I enjoy sex. Even writing that makes me wonder why I need to justify it. After reading countless posts about women not engaging in sex or simply not enjoying it; it makes me wonder whether women have just accepted the social norm - men love it and women have to put up with it. I don't want to be one of those women. I don't want to have to "put up" with sex. If I'm not enjoying the sex I'm having I speak up or I just go without. Perhaps this isn't the case for a lot of individuals but (in most cases) I can separate sex and love. Does this make me a sex addict? There's no denying that sex is better when you're in love with the person but that's not for everyone. Of course I'm not naive enough to believe I won't grow out of this and I don't go around shagging every person I'm attracted to, I just usually know from the get-go if it's sex or love. If I think I may have feelings for the person I'm usually a little less forthcoming; shy even.

Maybe this has more to do with being in tune with my sexuality than anything particularly abnormal about my behaviour. I'm sure there's other women out there who don't equate sex with love.

Gemma-Rose Turnbull wrote a piece on street sex workers which in part read:

"The message is that men are allowed to need sex and women are vessels for that need."

Women are looked down upon for having those same needs and being active in the pursuit for sex. By men and other women. I don't want to pretend that I know everything about the sex industry because I don't. I don't know what it's like to hustle; to score; to be so desperate for the money you'll pretty much say yes to anything. But I do know that there is a vocal minority of women who speak up every time an article about men and their unequivocal sex drive suddenly dominates conversation.

It would be absurd for me to speak on behalf of all women but I can and will speak openly about my own experiences. ANU sociologist Dr Helen Keane argues "if you look at how sex addiction is defined, there is a focus on activities that take away from the couple: affairs, promiscuity, masturbation, pornography." I have engaged in all four of those so-called warning signs. Is every person who uses sex to feel better about themselves in some way an addict? Why are we being made to feel guilty about our sexual urges?

If I never watch porn again does this disqualify me from sex addiction? Or is it the type of porn you watch that could potentially label you as an addict. If you cheat or have multiple affairs you can forget about ever being labelled a "healthy sexual individual" ever again. I have seen many women, particularly in nightclubs, where it is not unusual for a woman to own her sexuality. She may have casual encounters with men she's just met or pick-up men only to dispose of them hours later. Some may say this is "women having sex like men" but I disagree. I think women have always had the ability to have sex however and with whomever they want - it's just other individuals, particularly other women, who are our harshest critics.

If I can admit to the blogosphere (and who knows where else) that I enjoy sex with men and women; watch porn; masturbate and engage in promiscuous behaviour you have nothing to be ashamed of. This is just part of the puzzle of who I am. I love deeply; I spend many Friday and Saturday nights alone; I take long baths; I love to paint my nails in bright colours - all these other admissions somehow pale into comparison to our sex lives. Perhaps it's about time we stopped putting so much focus on what is "normal" with us - sex wise - and just started enjoying it.

What do you think about sex addiction? Do you feel there is a sexual double standard about men and women paying to have sex with prostitutes?

This post will appear on Mia Freedman's www.mamamia.com.au in the next few weeks. Looking forward to the comments.

on my mind - bits of the week that was

2012-02-03T20:51:00.001+11:00

Well, it's February. Didn't that go fast? And I am failing miserably at #febfast which entails giving up alcohol for a whole month. February isn't even a month - it's 29 days, I say as I drink my JD and coke. Or my lover as I call him these days. So... I toast you all to an alcohol-free month. Cheers to me.

So what's on my mind these past couple of weeks you ask? I apologise for all the tweets in advance ~~no I don't.~~

Twitter

Yes I'm one of those twits who tweet. I'm addicted. I hate Facebook for all it's showing off but I just adore my twitter friends. I sound gay don't I? But seriously, every day I laugh - people are much wittier on it and I enjoy following some really funny comedians like @TomCBallard @MrBenjaminLaw

Here is a tweet I will share with you just this once.... but get on it you mars bars!

Last Summer

As you can see from the books I'm hooked on - I'm reading Kylie Ladd's 'Last Summer' which is brilliant. The characters feel like your best friends. I'm am in awe of Kylie's writing. Her last novel 'After the fall' was such a page turner I cancelled meeting up with friends to finish it. Oh, and she's also a regular on Mamamia and her posts are always straight from the heart. No bullshit. I love that.

My flat

So I've moved like a few thousand times but I'm settled till at least December which is good news for me. My suitcase is sad it won't get a workout for a while. I've got some new furniture and decorated my apartment. Here's a little sneaky peek...

Mamamia e-books

Mamamia.com.au, the website I regularly contribute to has started a publishing arm from the website. MM e-books. I am excited to see the developments and see if I can be involved as they are taking submissions. It'll be a tough gig - only releasing 12 books a year - but worth a punt I reckon. Dreams only come true if you work hard at them. Or if you're writing on your blog on a Friday evening or sending submissions at approximately 10.37pm on a Saturday evening like I have been lately. Life of the party I am!

Stella Young

This little dynamo is just such an inspiration to me. When I'm getting down I always watch her interview because I just think she's fabulous. She swears; she talks candidly about her disability and she is just a trooper. If you have a spare 5 minutes watch it - I promise you won't be disappointed. She'll make you laugh. For real.

The Laugh

This gave me a laugh mid-week. Pretty much sums up most weekdays. How bout you?

Thanks for reading. You look gorgeous today - that colour really suits you xx

How was your week? What's on your mind?

Why the nest is no good for you

2012-01-29T14:28:00.003+11:00

Daniel Clowes "Boomerang Generation" cover illustration in The New Yorker

It's called the "boomerang generation"and it's one of several terms applied to kids who move out of home only to return after, well, it doesn't work out for them. Hollywood made a whole movie out of it - 2006's Failure to Launch, where Tripp, 35, played by Matthew McConaughey needs an "interventionist" to get him to move out of the family home. Whatever happened to just moving out because it's the right thing to do? Or to gain some independence? I really don't understand why you would want to live at home past the age of 25. Is that weird?

Living with your parents can be challenging. Hell, living with anyone can be challenging. When I left "the nest" just after my 22nd birthday it was the best step I have ever taken. It wasn't without drama and it happened fairly quickly (I made the decision and moved out within two weeks) but it's what I needed to grow up. Was I scared? Sure. But I needed to learn how to stand on my own two feet; pay the bills; cook for myself and all the other adult stuff that comes with it. Probably the biggest dilemma I had was my first shopping trip. You seriously underestimate just how much stuff you need when you're settling into your first home. Do you know how expensive vegemite is? Let's not even get started on cooking oil.

Last year a Venetian couple hired a lawyer after several failed attempts to convince their 41-year-old son to leave the nest. The son "has a good job but still lives at home. He demands that his clothes be washed and ironed and his meals be prepared." Whatever happened to "Pack up your stuff, move out and don't come back. Period." Written in Italian it would probably sound a little more elegant.

Of course this is an extreme case but it shows just how much some "children" expect from their parents. Don't these parents deserve to live quietly and comfortably into retirement age? Why should they be expected to keep providing for their children who have stable jobs, a healthy social life, their own car and in some cases their own investment property.

After I left school and got myself a part-time job in my working-out-what-the-hell-I-wanted-to-do-year I started paying board. $70 a week if I remember correctly. Did I want to do this? Not really. Did I think it was unfair? Probably. I do remember kicking up a stink quite a few times. Sorry mum. But it taught me to appreciate money and that I had responsibilities now that I wasn't in school anymore. It taught me how to be more frugal with my money so when I moved out it wouldn't come as such a shock and I wouldn't become yet another "boomerang kid".

I have found since I moved out of home I've developed a much healthier and happier relationship with my mother. She is one of my very best friends. While I was living at home at times we wanted to kill each other. It has strengthened us and I thank her for making me learn how to be self-sufficient. Of course there's nothing better than a home-cooked meal from time to time but I love cooking my parents my own home-cooked meals.

This isn't a post to say that I'm any better than kids who still live at home - I do realise there are some exceptional circumstances and some parents actually like their children living at home well into their 20s or even 30s. Gulp. I'm just not one of them. I guess because I've seen first-hand what effect a "child" living at home till nearly 40 can have on a relationship. It does no one any favours. We all need to learn how to live independently. Sure we can turn to our parents for emotional and sometimes financial support if they can afford it but I'd rather stand on my own two feet.

I often wonder how young adults navigate relationships while living at home. I would be mortified to bring someone home to my parents house only for an awkward conversation around the dinner table with murmurs of "whatever happened to Sam? He was such a nice fella" How do you maintain a sex life without necessarily being in a relationship? That gear stick in the car must be getting awfully uncomfortable well into your late 20s. No?

I live on my own so these uncomfortable situations just don't happen. If I stop seeing someone I usually move every few years so they no longer know my address. Neat.

This post will appear on Mia Freedman's www.mamamia.com.au in the next few weeks. Looking forward to the comments.

Do you have grown up kids living at home? Or are you a boomerang kid? What do you think about the "Boomerang Generation"?

The politics of nudity

2012-01-22T17:10:00.003+11:00

Nude is the new black. In the wake of Deborah Hutton posing nude for Australian Women's Weekly there was a outrage about whether it's really necessary to strip and let gravity take its course. Or not, thanks to excessive airbrushing and a photoshop-and-chop generation who think readers are stupid. The latest celebrity to jump on the bandwagon is Biggest Loser trainer, Michelle Bridges, but it doesn't come without its disappointments.

The only women who dare to go bare are the ones who have something to flaunt. I have said to many of my friends that I would love Michelle's trim and toned body. She knows she looks good naked that's what she agreed to this fabulous PR stunt. I read Michelle's column every Sunday in Sunday Life but I was disappointed to turn to read the insert and this staring back at me. Maybe because I'm having one of those "fat" days but mainly because I feel it sends the wrong message. I mean let's be honest, I'm never going to turn over the page and see a nude shot of Rebel Wilson now am I?

Why does a weight loss show whose contestants are usually 130kg plus have to promote itself using a body that most of us simply can't obtain. We are not all personal trainers. I'm not naturally thin but I look after myself and exercise five times a week to clear my mind and stay in shape. Most days I feel good about myself and I'm not shy to be naked. Yet images like this do make me depressed. Even after all the time I dedicate to the gym, my walks and swimming it doesn't feel like enough. Something triggers in my brain when I see yet another nude cover and it's a feeling I otherwise would not feel. Unfortunately, advertising is something you can't avoid - it is there to trigger a reaction. Good or bad.

Nudity is personal. I believe that some nude shots can be tasteful and I'm not saying the image of Michelle on her own, without Biggest Loser accompanying it, isn't - I just don't believe the two should co-exist together. The contestants and the rest of Australia aren't battling obesity because of a slim celebrity on the cover of a magazine - but because this image is portrayed as what's normal. And it isn't. The average woman in Australia is size 14-16. Yet in the modelling and magazine world this is considered "fat". I know this yet I still compare myself. Constantly.

Encouraging people to lose weight is one thing but these ad campaigns are belittling women, making them feel their self worth is only measured by what is on the scales. Just over a month ago I stopped weighing myself. Why? Because I was sick of all the added guilt I let myself feel at having gained or lost a kilo. In 2008, I lost 25kg over a period of nearly a year. Since then I've put on about 8kg and to be honest I feel better carrying a little bit of extra weight. I feel more womanly and I like my curves. But sometimes that 8kg feels like a weight on my shoulders rather than my hips.

All these campaigns do is make me feel guilty that I'm not Michelle Bridges or Deborah Hutton or Miranda Kerr. I'll never be any of these women. I have dimples in my thighs when I sit down. My thighs rub together sometimes when I walk. My arms jiggle and one boob is less proportionate than the other but I still embrace my body. It can do marvellous things and I love being able to test it.

So what I'm saying is stop relying on the scales to determine your happiness and try to look away from ad campaigns and those "lose the baby weight fast" ads. Enough with the guilt. Be active every day. Eat in moderation and don't make healthy living seem like a chore. With that in mind I'm going for my walk and so what if people overtake me. Being fit and healthy is not a race.

How do you feel about the recent nude covers? What makes you feel fit and healthy?

Dear Bully, you are not cool. You're weak.

2012-01-14T20:35:00.002+11:00

I've been both. I dare say most of us have. The secret thrill of a bully, especially a cyber bully, is the power they feel they have over you. You feel helpless and think "why do they keep picking on me?". And usually you're too young to really know the right way to fight back. When I was in school during the 90s and early noughties we didn't have such a large presence online. Now not only do we have to compete with bullies in the playground; but they go home with us as well and we have Facebook; Twitter; instant messaging and smart phones to thank for that.

I remember the first time I was bullied. It's imprinted in my memory and most likely won't fade away. She came to our primary school in Year Five and broke our friendship group apart. I lost two of my closest friends because of her. The worst part was she tried to be my 'friend' and then as soon as I let her in she'd turn on me and make me feel vulnerable. I invited her to my birthday parties, gave her a best friend chain and included her as much as I could. I wanted her to like me. I didn't understand why she didn't when I kept giving her things. On New Years Eve when I was eleven or twelve she called my dad's house phone (no mobile's in those days) and said these very powerful words to me. They are powerful because I still remember them clearly and the way she said them slowly and with conviction:

"No matter what you say or what you do, I don't want to be your friend anymore"

Now those words might sound a bit lame to an adult but this girl wrecked havoc with my self esteem. I wasn't even a teenager yet. I felt helpless. I cried for hours as my dad cuddled me and tried to convince me things would get better. Of course they did but at the time I was already planning how I could make her my friend again by the time school went back. Why did I think this way? I still don't know. To be honest I think I felt like I was a nobody if I didn't have her friendship. This was a girl who stole all my friends and made me so scared that I hid in the library during lunch time. Probably the only good thing that came of that was my love of books.

Melbourne schoolgirl, Sheniz Erkan, 14, took her own life last Monday after being bullied online and in the schoolyard. The devastated family of the teenager have pleaded with parents to keep a closer eye on their children's internet use. Her older brother Aykut said Sheniz had appeared to be a "bundle of joy", and her few friends who knew something was wrong did not speak out.

"Parents need to keep more track of Facebook and the internet," he said on talk station 3AW. "There are problems they might not know about that are being kept online.

"These days there is so much technology and cyber stuff going on it's like a whole other world.

"Kids can just hide behind their keyboards, write whatever they want without worrying about the repercussions."

I guess the message is to ask your kids questions - even if it bugs them - about their friends and what is the right and wrong way to treat them. I doubt if I owned a mobile phone during the time I was bullied would I have confided in my parents. I would've been ashamed to admit that someone didn't like me; I didn't want to be a burden to them. Crying to my dad all those years ago made me feel protected and both my parents could monitor who was calling through on our house phone. My mum was always my biggest ally - being a school teacher she is far savvier than most parents when it comes to typical teen behaviour. She sent me to a high school where I knew no one and it was the best thing that she could've done for me. I needed a fresh start.

Perhaps that's what Sheniz needed? If she just spoke up or her friends approached an adult about what they witnessed things could've been different. But we could play the 'what if' game all night it doesn't change what happened to that poor girl. And now her family have to live with the guilt for the rest of their lives.

Sheniz's story haunts me and takes me back to nearly 12 years ago when my cousin, Mathew, took his own life at just 13 because of... bullies. I've never forgotten his soft, angelic face and mischievous nature. I miss him like you wouldn't believe. When I found out about his death it was like the world beneath me just started sinking. I thought I'd never be able to breathe again. It shook me because I was not even sixteen yet but I had contemplated suicide; I think most of us forget how hard life is as a teenager. His death made me see just how raw a mother's grief at the loss of her son can be. I never wanted to inflict that pain on anybody but it shouldn't take a tragedy like this to stop these thoughts. It shouldn't take the senseless death of my cousin and Sheniz to make us remember bullying is evil.

While there might not be anything we can personally do to lessen the grief of Sheniz's family we can all look closer in our own lives. It's presumptuous to assume at some time we haven't been the bully as much as we'd like to believe we haven't. I'm ashamed that I have been a bully more than once. I'm not proud of it. The best we can do is look at the way we treat others and be more mindful of our own behaviour. You might be a bully without even realising it. It's time to stop. Bullying is not cool it just shows lack of empathy for others. It shows weakness.

How did the news of Sheniz's death effect you? Were you bullied as a teenager (or even adult)? What helped you overcome it?

This post appeared on Mia Freedman's Mamamia on Monday - to read over 100 comments go here - www.mamamia.com.au/parenting/dear-bully-you-are-not-cool-you-are-weak

If this brings up any unresolved issues with you please call the Kids Helpline 1800 55 1800 or Lifeline 131 114. No problem is too great... reach out and speak to someone xxx

On my mind - bits of the week that was

2012-01-13T22:07:00.003+11:00

I really look forward to writing this post every few weeks - I think it balances out the rest of the blog and gives you a bit of a glimpse into what's making my mind tick. I think a lot. I read a lot. And sometimes it's hard to get everything I want to say into 800 words or less. In case you're wondering that's standard opinion piece limits. It's difficult sometimes to prune your own prose.

The Boys

I saw a preview screening at the Griffin Theatre last Tuesday night. It has stayed in my consciousness ever since and I'm thinking of going to see it again. The characters were just so vivid and raw - it really shook me and made me realise just how many talented playwrights we have in this country.

Brett Sprague's just out of jail. Reunited with his mum Sandra and brothers Glenn and Stevie, he's ready to reclaim his life. As Brett's disruptive force takes hold tensions flare and he embarks on a drink-fuelled rampage, sweeping his brothers along with him - with terrifying consequences. A powerful, dangerous, visceral descent into the darker parts of our city and our selves.

'It's that thing you see all the time on street corners and outside pubs... it's a kind of energy, and it's full of nothing but evil'

You can find the review from Timeout magazine here

The list

I've been writing a lot of lists lately. Actually I've done this my whole life - it must be the Capricorn in me. I thrive off organisation and like to be in control of pretty much, well, everything. This is both good and bad. I write lists when I'm feeling like I'm falling behind or not concentrating hard enough. I like putting a big "tick" next to each one, it feels like I'm rewarding myself. I know I must sound like a total douche right now but lists help me stay focused. Try it.

Mad Men

I'm currently addicted and hopelessly devoting all my spare time to the Emmy award winning drama, Mad Men. If I cancel plans with you - this is probably what I'm doing. Sorry.

MAD MEN is a compelling drama about life in a prestigious and ruthless New York City advertising agency. Set in the early 1960's, a time when sexism, homophobia, dubious family values and misogyny were rife and smokers were enjoying the last guilt free years of the cigarette. Mad Men (an affectionate term coined for those working in the ad agencies) opens the doors to the inner sanctum of Sterling Cooper Advertising Agency, a place where everyone is selling something and nothing is what is seems.

Download it now. It should come with a warning: block out all future social engagements.

Amelia-Rose

My best friend, Trudy, had a baby girl (Amelia-Rose) just over three months ago. I love her so much - this is just an excuse to show her off. I just want to kiss her ALL THE TIME! Until she cries and then she can go back to mummy.

Holidays

After having almost 3 weeks off work to recharge my batteries I'm back in the office. It's been a few years since I've had that much time off and it was really nice playing house for a while; doing a bit of travelling around to see friends and going up to sunny QLD. I did miss the big belly laughs I get working in my office so it's good to be back. Sort of.

My birthday

My baby sis and I on my birthday

This year (or last year rather) is the first time I've actually wanted to stop the ageing process. When I was 16, I wanted to be 18 - when I was 18, I wanted to be 21. Now I just want to be 25 forever. Well maybe a 25-year-old figure but a much older and wiser mind!

Hope you've had a great week! xx

What's on your mind?

Are single women too choosy?

2012-01-04T00:54:00.001+11:00

How many times have you fallen in love? Once? Twice? I fall in love each time I turn on Mad Men and watch Don Draper (Jon Hamm) walk around his 1960s ad agency office with a cigarette in one hand; a whisky in the other. A girl can dream. When I think of love I remember that feeling of butterflies in the stomach, or hanging off the other person's every single word, or even what it felt like when you showed them your favourite movie and they loved it. Or they hated it to bits but you didn't care anyway because you're in lurve, you sicko.

I've been hearing a lot about people learning to love the person they're sort of interested in. The glossy magazines have picked up on it so it must be a trend. Apparently we should settle for Mr Right-Now and stop searching for Mr Right. They made a whole self-help book on this remember? So maybe it has some merit but when I think long and hard about it I don't think I'd want to be with someone who wasn't sure that I was the right girl for them. I don't want to have to learn to love them and I don't want that in return - is that too much to ask? Am I being too choosy? Maybe I'm narrowing my chances at finding love.

Personal experience plays a huge part with how you feel about love. Not just about how you love others or how they love you, but more about how you love yourself. If you've been in love before - as most of us have - it can skew your perspective of future relationships. I have been in love once with someone who was (and still is) very dear to me. I don't take this experience for granted because it helps me measure up what I want in a potential new partner. I am fussy; I am choosy - but I know what I want. I want someone who I can laugh with every other day, I want someone who knows how I like my tea and I want someone who is proud to be with me and vice versa.

I could be describing my best friend in those sentences. Love doesn't exist without friendship and friendship doesn't exist without love. But there is romantic love, friendship love and another little glitch called lust but he only pops up from time to time. He can be fun though as long as you don't let him stay around long enough in the control room to play with your friendship and love buttons!

The other day a friend told me they heard someone's New Year's resolution was to get married. I scoffed and then I smiled because planning to get married when you haven't met anyone special enough to give as little as a drawer to is just wishful thinking. I smiled because it's idealistic love - the kind of love that I simply don't believe in. It's the fairytale "princess" wedding stuff that wedding planners force down your throat like breakfast. It's Kim Kardashian's wedding broadcast live on 'E'. It's the kind of love that leaves you feeling disappointed because you're looking outside yourself for your happy ending; when your happy ending is staring back at you every morning as you wash your face.

It's you, you dingus.

Kelly Clarkson wrote one of the most beautiful songs on her new album Stronger which has really resonated with me. I don't believe she's talking about relying on someone else in this song - I picture that it's a mirror, looking back at yourself, knowing, you've got your own back and that's what makes you stronger than ever.

Take a breath and listen

Open up stop wishing

All that you've been missing

Standing in front of you

Everything you've been fearing

All the walls you're building

Take a chance and reason

Standing in front of you

Do you believe you can learn to love someone? Or are you the kind of person that needs love to hit you like a ton of bricks?